I have not known what is going on with Ms. Mulaney, and I have run out of energy and almost all hope.
Now she posts:
"It’s so weird when a relationship ends that most of your friends didn’t know about.
"Feeling some sort of way and not being able to show it or tell people why. I’ve gotten so used to being such an open person, keeping things quiet make me so uncomfortable now."
This could be about me, or somebody else; I don't know. I experienced a loss months ago, the loss of anything possible between the two of us, and it has been hard for me. Since she got a partner a month-and-a-half ago, I have been trying to train myself to be freeing toward the situation. Since Ms. Mulaney is not mine, nor I hers, I made myself content with where I am.
All flames inside me have died down. My body couldn't take the pain of no hope, so now I think it cut it off. I am alone in life, and my body and mind have worked without me knowing it to make me be okay with that.
But what if Ms. Mulaney did have feelings for me? If she did, she doesn't show it. If I could be in a relationship with her, or be a friend of hers, would I take it? Absolutely. Right now, my tank is finally empty, since nothing fed it. I do still love her, but I'm not worked up about it. How things have turned out is still sad to me. I want to have something with her. "Wanting" something or someone is too much for me if it's not possible. I guess...after a while, I start to want it less. I do love her, and I still do want her. I've lived this long without love, though, so I know I don't need it.
The dream of having love and being loved is ended. The pain will probably come back again another day. Right now, it might be better for me if I continue to rest and drift through time. She never believed I loved her, and she doesn't care. If she could feel what I'm feeling right now, she might say that I don't love her. But I do. And if she started something with me, the flames would go back up in a heartbeat. Maybe what I'm going through is a state of rest. I may never wake up from it, though. And if I love someone, but that person doesn't love me back...it may be difficult for me to get excited ever again.
I love Styna still. Now I'm sleeping. My entire life has been full of sleeping. I guess...better to be sleeping than feel pain and great emotion and not being able to do anything about it. For months, I have felt pretty much abandoned. I continue reading her posts, as I do love and care about her. I've been pushed away. And just like in other areas of my life, when not being able to have something, my heart becomes hard against it. Because...that means I wasn't meant to have it. I never needed friends, I never had friends, so...I don't have friends. Styna doesn't love me, so I don't have her. And if I can't have her, the person I love...then...maybe I never need to have love. And without knowing it...my heart doesn't seek love anymore.
I do love Styna. I can no longer love love; all it brings is pain and false hope. I will continue loving her, but while asleep. It still hurts to think she doesn't love me back. So I can't think that she loves me. Holding the flame of love alone stings. It's 6 PM, but I'm going back to bed. The reality is settling in: I am not loved. I will never be loved. I can love, and I have and do love, but it hurts too much to be worth it for me. I just...I don't think I was ever meant for love or happiness. And I can't hope for it to happen again.