My brother and mom deny taking them, but he is an untrustworthy person. He seemed interested in my treats this past day when he came in. Later, instead of sleeping on the floor near my dresser like I usually do, I decided to sleep on my bed last night. He had the opportunity to take the remaining six mints while I was sleeping. A Pringles container had been moved, and the Andes packaging was torn up.
I wanted to record a note on my brother’s behavior. My mom sent me this text under an hour ago: Also, I noticed some Andes mints are missing from my room; the container is empty. I checked my food diary, adding up how many I have eaten, and the number comes to 22 out of the 28.
My brother and mom deny taking them, but he is an untrustworthy person. He seemed interested in my treats this past day when he came in. Later, instead of sleeping on the floor near my dresser like I usually do, I decided to sleep on my bed last night. He had the opportunity to take the remaining six mints while I was sleeping. A Pringles container had been moved, and the Andes packaging was torn up.
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I have been feeling some sad stuff about Styna every once in a while the past couple days, and I didn’t know whether to post or not. She just announced her wedding date to be the first of May 2022. So...maybe now is the time to type,
I love Styna so much. I have been wanting connection with her for almost 20 months now, and 14 months ago I sent her a message asking if she’d marry me. I have been held away and then pushed away, with the chances for happiness and something more never coming true. I have been rejected in every way. There is still a pain somewhere inside me that is piercing whenever I come across it. I can never be with the person I love and wanted to be with the rest of my life, and I will never mean anything to her. Instead I continue living this lonely and empty life with no hope for the future. I feel like I’ll never be good enough for anybody or anything. I am in a spot right now where the world has me upset, and I feel alone.
* People are rallying at the capital building, demanding the state reopen everything. My mom’s friends are among those who think the response to COVID-19 is an overreaction and that Trump, not our governor, is handling things correctly. In fact, we didn’t even close down as many things as other states did, and we’re experiencing rapid spread of the virus over in the Fargo area (where those friends are from). * Then, my brother is like an irritation bomb that keeps going off more and more. * The last straw was tonight. My mom and I were watching the 2013/2014 remake of Carrie when it stopped working about 30 minutes in. I was tense because of the way Carrie’s mom was treating and not listening to her, completely misunderstanding and changing the beginning of the Book of Genesis. Carrie is the one who is punished. Though the movie was no longer working, I felt we still had time to try to watch a 50-minute IMAX special instead and make sure something productive had come of the evening. My mom wouldn’t listen to me. She was sure she knew what I was going to say (start a long movie now late at night) and I wasn’t able to tell her my idea. This has happened many times before, where, because she is the parent, she is in control, and let noone challenge that by telling her that her assumption is wrong. She gets livid. If I say she’s not listening to me and just hear me out, that makes her angrier. I have experience with both parents not listening to me, and the stuff with my dad led to more trauma. I have nightmares of the both of them yelling at me, telling me I’m just the kid, to put my Asperger’s away, that I’m being bad and defiant, to shut the hell up. My mom got angry at me tonight and wouldn’t let me talk. I called her a “big meany”, and that was it. I’m going to be punished for the next month-and-a-half, and my Social Security money goes to her. She says I’m the only one who did anything wrong. She has compared me to my brother, saying I’m like him, and there is no excuse for treating a mother the way I have treated her, that she is the mother, and that’s that. Her memory of our argument is off, and I’m not allowed to tell her step by step what happened, because then I’m trying to make an excuse for my bad behavior. I’m out of sorts right now with a fight-or-flight response, and I think Styna might be upset with me again too. Elsie isn’t here for comfort. I’m talking to a wall. For the moment, it looks like I am able to post on the app again. There have been several times in the past week I felt like posting but couldn’t. I won’t be able to say everything now that I wanted to before.
My brother keeps getting worse as a person. I shut my door and lock it at times because he is toxic, but if he finds out that I did that he bangs on the door and calls me expletives. He maintains the position that everyone else is the problem. There were a few days I felt some peace in the situation with Styna. Then last night I had a few vivid dreams, a couple of them bad, and the rest of today the pained feeling about relations between the two of us has gotten worse. Posts may or not may not continue, depending on whether I can make them. I almost always feel lonely now; it only gets a little better if Elsie the cat is with me. Typing here doesn’t help.
It’s like it’s a natural thing for people to forget about and/or leave me. I miss Styna most of all. * It sounds like, despite the Coronavirus, my family might be planning on coming from around North Dakota to celebrate Easter together. I find the idea baffling and refuse to go.
* I now have Netflix. * Styna might still be upset with me. It’s like, given space and time, the more she wants nothing to do with me, because she’s fine with life as it is and there are things about me that make me less appealing as a person to her, even as a friend. Whatever I feel or think is always wrong, or if I’m okay, I don’t know if I am. I’m on jail row, and the only right I have now is to remain silent. My mind is the prison. |
AuthorI have mental health problems and have had a lot of traumatic things happen in my life. If anyone cares to read...here you go, and hopefully it will help some people not feel alone. Archives
April 2024
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