Today we traveled to see one of my grandmas, because earlier she fell, broke a hip, and is going to have an operation early tomorrow morning. 7:30 at night right now, I’m in the hospital room with her, and she is in pain and very tired.
When things go on in our family, they tend to happen around the same time. Different members are moving to different places right now, plus there has been some family drama (I’m not going to discuss that right now).
Today we traveled to see one of my grandmas, because earlier she fell, broke a hip, and is going to have an operation early tomorrow morning. 7:30 at night right now, I’m in the hospital room with her, and she is in pain and very tired.
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I have been watching The Day After Tomorrow for over two hours, and I am only 44 minutes into the movie. Arguments and violence in the background make things sort of difficult.
Today I wrote and then recorded another 50 seconds of the song. It took multiple takes, and I’m still not happy with my performance. In my head the song is flowing, but it’s a whole other thing to nail it out loud. I tried to make things simple, I really did. Yet to get what I have right, it takes practice, and I have to constantly be on my toes.
To myself: Keep it simple, stupid. 👻 I had my first job interview today! Everything went good; I was asked some questions based off my resume and application, then there were others about how I’ve applied myself to situations in the past. And the place has The Nightmare Before Christmas inflatables, and a holiday unicorn!
I have slowly been writing a song (“slowly” because I didn’t want to lose the melody). Today I filmed me singing what I have so far, to keep the tune stored and to check how long things are running. Surprisingly, I already have about a minute of the song done. I felt like I had barely even started it yet; now the concern will be about running too long. I keep thinking about Styna. I love her so much! Even though she doesn’t want me, my heart is still hers. There seems to be no end to these feelings I have for her. She is the person I love. Is it...weird, or wrong that I still have strong feelings for Styna? She is enjoying time with her boyfriend and planning for their future, and I remain in a state that is difficult to describe. I am so sure about my feelings, but is that “freeing” or not? Real love is freeing. I’m not possessive of her, but their relationship keeps stinging, and she is the only person I can think about. Even after they get married, I’ll probably be wanting to love and be with her still. She is in some ways intoxicating to me, but she is also a source of great comfort and peace. I want to be there for her always. I also want to hold her and be a strong foundation that she can depend on. I am constantly aware of this love I have for her, of wanting to love and appreciate every part of her, to clean off smudges and watch her shine. To look at her, and see the inside and the outside lighting, because her fire is always burning.
It’s not just an appreciation of Styna and wanting to take care of her. There’s also the sense of wanting to nourish the connection I feel with her. You know, to strengthen this bond and for us to become close and more deeply love and appreciate each other. What I feel, though, is something that I want to do for the rest of my life, becoming more and more intimate with her. She is full of life, and when I feel things are good between us I feel like I can appreciate life more and see all its beauty and opportunities. Styna is always the one who stands out the most to me among the beauty. To be able to take her hand and look into her eyes...that is such a powerful thought to me. I am always worried about never feeling a connection with anybody, but with her I feel like there is something pulling me and things will click. There’s this wholeness, and wanting to try new things, do better in everything, doing a sort of shuffle with her and not caring what it looks like to others. My love for her is constant, and I keep wanting to take it into the real world and making it a part of life. More than loving my own feelings, it’s loving the person I feel these things for. I am an individual, not much of a group person; she is the person I feel like partnering with, to be able to lower my shields and let my heart finally rule alongside my mind. And those to be with hers. This is more than just the words I put here; I’m trying to make these feelings into words, but the way I word things only goes so far. Even though there’s a wall between us, it’s not enough to make me stop thinking about her and feeling a great warmth inside. She’s leaving me behind, yet I can’t stop loving her. If I’m a nut, have I cracked? I don’t feel like I have, but the rational part of my brain doesn’t understand. I am in love with a person who doesn’t want me, and this love still goes on through time. It’s just like me to get into a situation like this and not know how to respond. I have been alone in this; but nothing changes.
My birthday is in a few weeks, and all I want is to die.
There must be something wrong with me, because I can feel all this hurt, and it doesn’t go away. There are times where I think I’m starting to feel better, but then it all comes back. I’m at the point where I feel like nothing about me is worthy of love or connection with people. My heart has been my everything, and that’s not enough either. Everything I used to feel good about myself about is all in my head. If you take away my heart, then I am nothing. I feel like I don’t belong. My love is a joke. I don’t think I should ever have been born.
Styna and her boyfriend now have engagement rings.
And...I am starting to think...a surprise is coming that will shake me. I feel like she has made steps to do things with her boyfriend that I have suggested before, and next going to do something to push me as far away as possible. It could be done in a number of ways; calling the police on me is one of them. 2019 has not been a happy year. It feels like there is nothing that can help anything I go through. At 4:30 in the morning, the apartment building’s alarms went off, and everyone had to evacuate into the cold night air. Throughout this time, my brother still found room to verbally go at me. His is not a personality that grows much on you over time.
At the time the shrieking sounds went off, Elsie and I were sleeping on the floor together. She fled into hiding with the surprise. When we came back to the apartment, she went directly to my bedroom and jumped on my lap. When I went to the bathroom, she waited outside, talking to me. At the time that I have typed this, 6 in the morning, she is on the bed with me. I am petting her. Once in a while I’ll talk to her, and it helps calm her. I think she’s now asleep again. ❤️ |
AuthorI have mental health problems and have had a lot of traumatic things happen in my life. If anyone cares to read...here you go, and hopefully it will help some people not feel alone. Archives
April 2024
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