As far as Ms. Mulaney...I feel like she's given up on me, like she doesn't want anything more to do with me. I think about her every day, and I know I love her. Even as my feelings grow stronger, I feel like there is a spot inside me that aches. This whole business has gone badly by my own doing, but I haven't been getting over her. I feel like I have given myself to her, even as she has chosen to not do anything with me. It's like my heart is in a cupboard somewhere as she goes on with her life as if that heart doesn't exist. My feelings continue, and I stay true. But if there's nothing to come of it, and my feelings are real, what am I to do?
First, a documenting update: I finished the latest cycle of documents and set up an outline for the next one for when I start it. It will be shorter than normal, not having titles inbetween the cycled segments except for those segments that will go on into the following one. The removal of the concluding segments gets rid of the long length the cycles have grown to and gives opportunity to make cycles afterword have a fresh start where I can try out a few different things. Before I start the new cycle, though, I'm going to take a break to see what other thing I could work on.
As far as Ms. Mulaney...I feel like she's given up on me, like she doesn't want anything more to do with me. I think about her every day, and I know I love her. Even as my feelings grow stronger, I feel like there is a spot inside me that aches. This whole business has gone badly by my own doing, but I haven't been getting over her. I feel like I have given myself to her, even as she has chosen to not do anything with me. It's like my heart is in a cupboard somewhere as she goes on with her life as if that heart doesn't exist. My feelings continue, and I stay true. But if there's nothing to come of it, and my feelings are real, what am I to do?
0 Comments
It's late at night, so I can't type as much, and it's also when I'm naturally more emotional. I felt like I should post at least something, though.
I don't know if Ms. Mulaney is okay or not. She has been going through a lot this month, and the book she was planning on coming out with next month might now be gone along with all the other stuff from her computer. There is also something medically, with her wrists and heart, that is going on, though I don't know what it is. This past day, grief hit me a little harder, though I stuck it out through it. I am becoming less confident that Ms. Mulaney will ever have feelings for me. I know I'm supposed to move on, but I keep feeling like my heart is with her. I go through each day having feelings, but I also know that it's bad that I keep having them, as nothing will come of them. It is a problem that never seems to stop haunting me. I want what I can't have, but there is genuine emotion wrapped up in this want, actual feelings. I keep living with what I've done wrong, and my feelings don't go away. There's the feeling of wanting to give and share everything, the knowledge that it won't happen, and the force given to the notion that she doesn't care and that I'm alone. I'm tired, depressed. Going to get ready for bed. I am definitely going through some kind of depressive spell. A lot of factors aren't helping it. I need more support, but I don't know where to find it. I have maybe 10 different people who aren't talking to me, or when they do say extremely little. Even my instructor hasn't answered an e-mail I sent a week ago. My isolation and not having a bigger purpose in my day, I think, is also driving me slowly insane. I have three DVDs left to document in this current cycle, and then I might shift gears to something else, I don't know what yet. Something has to change, because I can't keep living like this. With Ms. Mulaney, maybe I'm continuing to hurt her without even knowing it. If so, maybe it's in the way of expectations. She could do something little, hoping I react in a certain way, and if I don't then despair. She might use magic to see my emotions, be disappointed, and feel a stab of pain inside. Of course, maybe she already long gave up on me. Whatever the case may be, I've tried playing by her rules for six months. If she feels I don't love her, there's nothing I can do about that. I know I have feelings for her, and if I and my feelings aren't where she would like them, I'm stuck to know how to answer that. I care about and want to be there for her, but if I'm not allowed to be, then I can't be. If I don't understand the rules of the game, how things work, I can't play by people's rules. I am not socially conditioned to just understand everything that's going on. The world can't expect me to already understand everything it feels I should. When people don't try to make things a little easier for me to reach a place I should be, it is all the more hurtful when they give up because they put their way of understanding, their lens, to me and see things that look differently from my own lens. While there is only one truth possible in life, it is comprised of many lenses that work together to form the whole. People think they can see the whole truth, when it is only a piece of it. It's something I see in day-to-day life, and I am very aware that I can't see everything. Systems have to change in order to embrace people like me who have different lenses. Anyone ever hear of the movie Off the Rails, or a person named Darius McCollum? I don't think your lenses are going to work to try to understand his situation. Ms. Mulaney is facing some major problems at the moment. I feel like doing something, but there's nothing I can do.
She lost everything on her computer. I'm also concerned about her heart (I don't know if she's talking about it literally or figuratively). I'm not able to be there for her. I love her, I looked online, and now I'm another kind of frustrated. I started today feeling good, then I went to campus to hand things in to the music department and say goodbye to my instructor. It ended on a positive note, and I got to hug him again. I came home, and I couldn't see anything Twitter-related if I wasn't logged in. Things took on a dark tone for me, and I could feel the loss of everyone on campus from my life, including my advisor and band instructor, as well as the music department office secretary, who asked where I've been and said that she missed me.
Things from the past couple months had another meaning given to them, and I could see things from another perspective that made me more paranoid. I could see the meanings of little things, and I felt hurt and loss that was very big. I went to my bedroom to rest, and I lay there on my bed in the dark with my arms spread tight across my body. It felt like I was alone in the world, and being a threat to Ms. Mulaney, all my good feelings and intentions being regarded in a negative light, made me hate myself. Right now, even though it looks like Twitter might be working right again, I feel like something has been taken out of me, and the strength I felt this morning feels more battered. I don't know what to think anymore. I feel like my feelings for Ms. Mulaney are some kind of sin to her, and I feel ashamed. I don't know what's going on. I can no longer see Twitter accounts unless I am logged in. That also means people have to have Twitter accounts in order to see my own posts.
I'm not very confident in my Twitter account at the moment, as it might only be random people who come across my posts. I don't know whether I should continue or not. I now can't see what is going on with Ms. Mulaney. I feel cut off. Maybe users were getting worried about outside people seeing their accounts, and asked Twitter to change this. Or...maybe she got Twitter to do it. If so, that means she is angry at me. Whatever the case might be...the story of my connection with her might be coming to a sad end. I...I don't know. I don't know what's going on. I already had to say a couple goodbyes today. Is this goodbye to Ms. Mulaney as well? ): I'm going to go take a nap; I am so confused. I have thought of posting about two different things with this one. I'm going to do something different, because something I just read deflated me.
When I type, I tend to leave things out. This is either because I overlooked mentioning something, or as one of my college English instructors noticed, I feel like something is "inessential" or "derivative" to put. I am now viewing it as a communication error. For people who might be sensitive to what you're saying, this could be a problem. This is where direct communication helps, so the other person can input a thought and see whether you verify it or not with something along the lines of "that as well" or "oh...that's something I didn't think of", or something like that. This problem can have extensive consequences between two or more people over time. Another problem I have is random things can go through my head. If I am staring off into space after thinking about someone, a word like "bitch" might move through my head. The reason is not that I think of the person as a "bitch", but because I take in things from my surroundings and they process into my mind differently. It could be that when I hear my brother calling my mom a "bitch" one of his many times, the word went into my unconscious and lingered until it surfaced at some odd time. Even if I am thinking about something, when I am tired my logic might falter for a second and something might go through my head that doesn't fit with what I really feel. I have these mental tiredness things sometimes often. Now, the zodiac sign attached to me, Libra, is the cardinal sign of the air, ideas, logic, balance. Say the zodiac signs really do apply to people, or they do so at various levels (some people more extensively than others). Think on this: I am Libra, and I have ASD. If I am really like a Libra, how might the Libra and the ASD affect each other? Well, the ASD can make it harder for me to understand how other people's minds or ways of thinking work. If there is someone who's way of thinking is different from mine, it could be very hard for me to see from that person's point of view. Or, I could logically try to understand the person, but I don't feel what the other person is feeling when I come to that logic. I can assume an emotion a person might be feeling, but I can't feel it as well. However, there is something that can get around this: the person's testimony. When I think of someone else's emotions, I am thinking and not feeling. If I am trying to figure out what is going on with somebody, I am thinking and not feeling. If a person describes their experience, however, I can feel instead of think. Not knowing what is going on with someone can be a big problem for me, as then I am feeling only what I feel while using logic to figure someone else's problems out. Libra seeks a mental connection. Cancer seeks an emotional connection. Once they find that with somebody, as the connection between them grows stronger they can feel the other type of connection as well. I feel a connection with Ms. Mulaney, but it is not the connection she wants. The longer I am held away, the more upset she becomes with me, the more the emotional connection I used to feel toward her months ago fades. I still have the mental connection, which is enough for me to start a relationship. If she has a grudge against me, though, pertaining to all the times I have accidentally hurt her, the more she is going to turn me off. Whenever I hold a grudge, it is rare, and it is extremely short-lived. It doesn't make sense to the way my brain works. It can make sense to another person, but if someone is upset with me and doesn't try to communicate, there is nothing I can do. I can't learn, I can't feel for what the person is going through, and the cycle continues. Ms. Mulaney has expressed that with other people she has dated, they end up leaving either because of the nature of how the relationship goes about or her illnesses turn them away. This type of behavior can become self-sabotaging after a while. How do I know that? I have an adopted brother with severe trauma from his childhood. For years, whenever something good would happen for him, such as being able to see his biological brother, or his birthday came around, or school let out early, or even something simple like he was able to have his favorite snack, he would then sabotage the good feeling he was having. In the brain, you know all this bad stuff has happened to you, and over time it can feel like you don't deserve anything good. One of his troubles is reactive attachment disorder. Even today he still identifies his adopted mom with his biological mother. He still craves the affection of his biological mother, wonders what would have happened if things had turned out differently, but also is angry that it was taken away from him. That anger is then directed at his adopted mom. Now, Ms. Mulaney doesn't have reactive attachment disorder, but she does have trauma from past relationships, mental health problems of her own, is demisexual (which can make feeling an attraction or connection with other people difficult), and as a Cancer has her own unique, individual thought process. I don't pretend to know her thought process. Because other people have done wrong things to her, some of them specifically because they couldn't handle illnesses she has, she has felt like the relationships haven't turned out because of her. When it comes to the two of us, I have given her reason to be angry at me. However, I have not intended any of the harm I have caused. She might recognize this, but there is a fight inside her about how to reconcile these two. This leads to anxiety, and anxiety tends to bring up latent trauma. So if there has been a failure of connection or satisfaction between us, that trauma might say that one of us caused it. She can either self-sabotage and say her own problems were responsible for things not going okay, or she can group me in with past romantic interests who hurt her due to them being jerks. This all goes to say that the thing is a mess. It is hard on my brain, but I have remained because of my naturally wanting to try to balance and correct things, and because of how much she and the connection between us mean to me. It is more than just about the connection. I do care about her, but it can be hard for me to feel what she is going through. It is a struggle for me too. I want to make the thing work, but I'm also scared about hurting her. I never know I am hurting her unless there is some kind of sign, and she likes to keep what she is going through under wraps (a water zodiac sign trait). I do love her, but it is only one of two connections of true love. I hope she's doing okay. It looks like she had some medical trouble earlier. ): Okay, I have a few things to say today.
I'll start off with something from my e-mail inbox. As Ms. Mulaney is interested in and studies astrology, I signed up for e-mails from an astrology site. I have never been completely certain of astrology's accuracy, or of this particular site (though its horoscopes have been viewed as accurate by the astrology community), but I now identify as Libra. I take everything with a grain of salt, but there is some validity I have seen to the kind of person I am. Ms. Mulaney identifies as Cancer. Now, apparently Libra and Cancer don't always work well together, so some people might wonder how I thought something would work out between me and Ms. Mulaney. I look at my aunt and uncle, who have two completely different personalities. For years people asked them what they saw in each other, as they are so different, and compatibility tests said they were nowhere near compatible. They have acknowledged they are different kind of people, but they still profess their love for each other and say they were the perfect match. Sometimes astrology articles come to my inbox, which is why I have started off this post by talking about astrology. Today's talked about what thing a person with a given zodiac sign should work on this new year of 2019. Mine said I should get more involved in the grittier side of life. This goes against my nature, where I like beauty, peace, harmony, all that jazz. The article says getting a little grittier will bring balance. I am not a gritty person. Fighting wears me out quickly. I can't stay angry for very long. I hate getting involved in uncomfortable situations. If I start pushing back against someone, I worry that I have gone too far, and so I cease it all quickly. At the moment I have a little fire inside me, so I'm going to type. For the Cancer zodiac sign, the article says: "Reinventing yourself this year will include growing a thick layer of skin to protect your sensitivities. As a Cancer, your sensitive nature makes you an understanding, empathetic friend, but it also allows you to take some things personally that are neutrally intended. Learning to thicken your skin will allow you to reinvent yourself without fear of what others might think or say." I found this kind of interesting, for personal reasons. You see, when I used to message Ms. Mulaney, I tried to achieve balance. I would say positive, but to be realistic I also included a little negative. As I said before, I'm not a gritty person. I would try to bring the negative to more of a neutral stance, to show I'm fine with whatever sort of things I mentioned, to try not to hurt her. What this article says is that a Cancer "take[s] some things personally that are neutrally intended." So whenever, being a Libra, I tried to balance and turn the negative neutral, I might have accidentally caused harm. I realize now that I did this a lot, trying to be neutral to achieve balance. So...a lot of damage might have been done. This makes me feel bad, knowing that I have hurt her whenever I was trying to avoid hurting her. With her latest stream, I started watching the beginning of it a little bit ago, but I had to stop because of something Ms. Mulaney said. Her new "aesthetic" pertains to hexing men who have done wrong to her and other women. Consider me startled. What this also means is that she could be holding a grudge against me. I naturally want to be a peacekeeper, to correct things. The vibe I am starting to get is that she wants peace, just not between us. I don't like fighting, plus with this situation it would be useless and actually lead to trouble for me. Plus how would I restore balance if whenever I try neutrality she takes what I say in a bad way? Well, trying to be more gritty this year is supposed to bring more balance to me. So let's try this: I still love Ms. Mulaney. She has her reasons for pushing me away, and she has tried to do it in a way that causes as little hurt to me as possible, while still being responsible about this given situation. She wants to move on with her life, which I can understand, as I did pop up out of nowhere and apparently shake things up. I can't pretend that I haven't been hurt by some of her choices on how to handle this, though. That is probably because I would have handled things differently than she has, being a Libra and not a Cancer. So we both have unintentionally hurt the other person just by being ourselves and applying our natures to settling what has happened. One post she put up talked about the different zodiac signs and how they would hurt other people. A Libra never wants to hurt anyone, while a Cancer stabs a person back if harmed. Even when harmed, I am not going to hurt someone back. Because I have unintentionally hurt her by trying my own way at things, she has a natural feeling of wanting to return the favor. As peacekeeper, I keep wanting to make peace, but if I am making peace in a way that accidentally harms Ms. Mulaney, she is going to keep wanting to strike me every time I do something she takes to heart...and I'm never going to strike back. Unless things are talked out, my peacekeeping will accidentally hurt her, and I am going to end up with a lot of small scars (as she understands that I don't mean any of the harm I have caused, but she can't help but at least nip back). We can both try to understand and deal with this thing, but if we don't do it together, things won't turn out very good. There was another section I was considering typing, but this post is long enough. I'm not getting replies yet from almost everybody I have tried contacting. For this situation, I want to be hopeful, but hope is leaving me. I feel like Ms. Mulaney must be angry at me, and for some reason all these people don't want to talk to me. I'm starting to wonder if this means my heart isn't worth much. If it isn't, I don't think very much else matters.
Considering the link I posted last night, I feel I should also put a site I came across December 2017 when trying to look up sites that have advice for people with ASD regarding connections with others:
Heartless Aspergers I mentioned the site to my Learners with Exceptional Needs teacher, trying not to cry. She said that there are a lot of people on the Spectrum who don't care about other people and end up hurting them, but I'm one of the ones who isn't heartless. That doesn't mean I can't unintentionally hurt others, though. |
AuthorI have mental health problems and have had a lot of traumatic things happen in my life. If anyone cares to read...here you go, and hopefully it will help some people not feel alone. Archives
March 2024
Categories |