Whenever I look at life, pain comes over me. Like right now. There are a lot of thoughts and feelings that cripple me, and it’s negative things that latch on and suck. If I didn’t have Elsie, or the thought of how my death would affect my mom, I would be gone.
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Some things:
* My brother came home from Job Corps for Christmas break, but he has still been with us for the indeterminate future because the federal employees back at Job Corps refuse to get their COVID vaccines. * My “friend” online has been known to have episodes where he becomes angry and accusatory (sometimes saying things that seem random), and there has now been another episode (revolving around theater discounts), with him avoiding me now. I don’t know what about me throws people off, but I’m so damn sick of people assuming things about me and then acting on those assumptions. * I am of the mind that Styna must think of me as a deluded, manipulative individual who convinced himself that he loved her despite never having really known her. Despite her pretending, we did make a connection a few years ago and I have had genuine feelings for her. I don’t make things up about her and who she is to myself; I don’t have some glorified, flawless, unrealistic picture of her. I love her for what I know, don’t know, have experienced and felt, with shades over time and the persistent growing and developing of love over that time. At one time, she wanted to connect too, but actions and assumptions on both sides got in the way, and she gave up, pushed me away, and then formed new thoughts and feelings about me, deleting what was true and came before, when I was away. She loves someone else now, while I’m still out here, in a way alone, and feeling all the same. * Elsie is still such a sweetheart. |
AuthorI have mental health problems and have had a lot of traumatic things happen in my life. If anyone cares to read...here you go, and hopefully it will help some people not feel alone. Archives
April 2024
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