...Well, once again I’m not sure if my presence is making Styna uncomfortable, or if I hurt her without knowing it. It’s a cycle that goes on, where we don’t communicate, and neither of us knows what is happening or what to do. She might want me to leave, but I’m not sure. Now that she is in a relationship, not much is certain about what is unfolding. I don’t know what is going on between the two of us. All I know is that I love her.
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I’m starting to think that maybe Styna doesn’t want to believe that I love her, because then things get more complicated. Almost a year ago I started writing things to her, and I still have feelings for her, only now they are more mature. She is the most beautiful person I have met, both inside and out. She can either push me completely away or pretend I don’t exist, as she has done, but it doesn’t change how I feel about her and how she makes me feel.
All I can think to say right now is that I love Styna, even if she doesn’t love me. There’s this block inside me weighing me down about this, so I’m depressed but don’t feel like there is anything I can do or say.
Since I haven’t posted here in a while, I thought that maybe it was time I should. Almost every day I say something on Twitter, most of the time trying to deal with what I’m going through, but it doesn’t feel right putting stuff there instead. Here’s the dealio: A little while back, there was an accident with the computer, so all I have is my phone for the time being, and I would much rather be typing than texting stuff for this page (which I had to do for this).
Another technology issue is that my DVD player remote now has a lot of buttons that aren’t working, which has made me unable to do any more documents until this second issue is resolved. This is taking me a while to put, so I don’t want to add too much more at the moment. Ms. Mulaney has a boyfriend now, and it turns out a lot of the things she has written have been about him. They love each other. + coming up, they’ll be visiting together and traveling off-and-on for two months. I still love her, and my cat-friend too. With the former, there’s still silence, and it looks like I have been fully rejected. As for the latter, I still enjoy watching this little one lick herself. I don't know if it's something wrong with me, but there is this heightened feeling within me now of wanting to love and be loved, to be in an intimate, committed relationship. I don't feel like anyone could ever have these feelings about me. Because I have been committed to Styna for so long, I only think about her. I have been trying to avoid masturbation as much as possible, but now it's like there are these waves that come where I want to tell her how much I love her and then actually do it. She doesn't love me, and she loves someone else, but that doesn't stop me. I keep wanting for us to be in each other's arms and to hold each other tight. She wants to be with her boyfriend and love him so much, and at times it becomes the same way for me toward her. This stuff chemically inside me probably bothers her too, and it might have hurt her before. Sometimes I wonder if it all was able to be released just once if all of it would calm down and become more domesticated. It's not like craving a one-time fling sort of thing, then being content and moving on from her. I don't think of her as an object; I really do love her, but this other stuff can get strong too. For all I know it's something I inherited from my dad, as he had weird mental and emotional chemical problems too. And not only is she in a relationship with the person she wants to be with forever, I am probably still a stranger to her that makes her uncomfortable. There is no happy ending for me with all of this; even after all this time, I'm still strongly drawn to her and want to commit myself to her for the rest of my life. I would gladly cross an ocean for her; last November or so I even started thinking about how I could save up money to take a plane to see her, until at the beginning of December she threatened with the police. It's not just a physical love. I love her mind, her personality, her spirit, and all these different parts of her. But since she doesn't want anything to do with me, I wish I knew what to do about myself.
I thought Ms. Mulaney was saying a month ago that maybe I should start writing some poetry of my own about her and the situation, plus I thought it might ease some stuff within me, so in the first page of a notebook I wrote the first poem and took a picture for this site. I'm now thinking that maybe by writing that poem I somehow hurt her, so...I guess that's the only poem that will be written.
I keep accidentally hurting her, and she keeps accidentally hurting me; that's one of the costs of radio silence, I guess. Something about my writing, or maybe it's the content or purpose of my writing, bothers her. She has stressed how special the relationship with her boyfriend is and how he won't hurt her and she can trust him; after all the months I spent trying to figure out what was going wrong between us and correct them, this gives more sting. And then there are little nuances, or things she says. If non-chronically ill people don't invite her to things, how is it that I said she was welcome to come last Thanksgiving? If she were to visit, I'd even give her my bed and sleep on the floor. The excitement she has to see her boyfriend reminds me of the one I had last August-early October when I thought she might come for my birthday. Throughout all these months, even the times she she showed anger at me, I still wanted to be with her very much, and I would light up every time I saw her face online. Now it's hard for me to tune into her streams because the happiness and excitement she has is something I have always failed at giving her regarding anything. I'm not allowed to be anything to her. And it's like I don't exist and never did. When she used to write poetry about me, it was only because she accused me of breaking her heart. All I know is that for 11 months I have tried my best to work through this situation; my best was nowhere good enough. "I can't be that for you," was what she once told me. She said it was because she didn't have the energy for romantic experimentation, but it must have been because she had already found the person she wanted to be with. I'm still in the position to want to have a relationship with her, because I do still have feelings for her. I don't say that to tear apart or cause hurt; when I say I love her, it's the truth. This is despite the fact that there is no longer any water in our well. It's like there is a huge mound of emptiness between us; it doesn't mean that my feelings for her disappear, but it does make it easier for her to focus on what she really wants. I once was tired, but now I'm numb. I'm the person who never existed, and for her it's now the exciting forward march. For the things she's aiming for, she doesn't even want me in her corner to support or cheer her on. My feelings only bother her, and if I put things into words I hurt her. In case this post sounds angry, that wasn't the tone I wrote in. This is a case of "it is what it is", but one that still hasn't stopped bothering me. Even after all this time, I still make her uncomfortable and she feels she can't trust me. Well....with a face like this, I guess, who would? |
AuthorI have mental health problems and have had a lot of traumatic things happen in my life. If anyone cares to read...here you go, and hopefully it will help some people not feel alone. Archives
April 2024
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