Elsie was sitting in a specific place on the couch that my brother wanted, so he swatted her bottom a couple times with a Pringle’s container. She went under my bed.
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My family doesn’t do much for Halloween, but at the very least I have tried to make it so that every year we see some “scary” programming.
This year, I don’t think there will be any. My brother hates my choices, says I’m selfish, and doesn’t want to watch anything with me. He never gave my choices a chance; he’s never seen them. I’m “selfish” because I chose the shows and was going to “force” him to watch something he thinks is stupid. Halloween never happened this year. My brother has gotten meaner to the cat and I over the past couple months. Things aren’t going right. Styna might hate me. I have been hating life more and felt emotional. I want to freakin DIE already. I’m at the point again where I’m so depressed that I really want to die. I don’t know how to put it into words, because it’s just too much going on. But I want to die, and I want it to be soon.
I guess I never posted the song to the site a couple weeks ago. Right now, I am upset about how nearly everything this year has gone. I don’t have enough control over my own life, my life has gotten so empty, my own feelings are discarded.
For 15 months I have reached out to Styna, the person I love, and when I have not been treated aggressively, it’s like I don’t exist. Now she’s getting married, and absolutely nothing has gotten better between us throughout this time. It doesn’t matter what I say, or do, or feel for her, she never wants anything to do with me. I’m supposed to be okay with life and appreciate what I have. Almost nothing feels right. I feel like a prisoner of the world and myself. I have been thinking and striving to be with the woman I love, and ultimately it means nothing. In the past, I was told that I might never be able to be loved. More recently, I was told I can’t be loved while living in my toxic environment. I used to feel that life was a series of trials that never end. Now I see it as a battlefield, and things move against you. I’m not a fighter. But that doesn’t mean that I’m not angry as hell about what I am up against. Styna is officially engaged. This is a hard world to live in, sometimes. She didn’t want to let me in or do anything with our connection, and now she never will. There has been so much hurt. Mine is the secret pain unsung and unknown.
I think it might be true: Styna is upset with me. She thinks that I am a horny male who doesn’t actually love her. I do love her and I have feelings for her that don’t involve sex. I’m tired and depressed.
Hi, peoples. I know the girl I want to marry. 😻 Even though she doesn’t love me, I love her so heckin much.
Past 6 in the morning, and I still haven’t gone to bed because of a sweet little one snoring on my lap. We perhaps love each other a little too much.
The stuff with Styna keeps making me sad. She never had trust in me or my feelings, and so...that’s how I’m treated. She never could see the love, strength, or good in me. I don’t get a second chance. My love isn’t real to her.
There is a picture of Styna and her boyfriend in matching outfits, with him holding on to her. I wish I could have that sort of thing with her; I love her so much. I wish I could hold and love her forever.
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AuthorI have mental health problems and have had a lot of traumatic things happen in my life. If anyone cares to read...here you go, and hopefully it will help some people not feel alone. Archives
April 2024
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