The first train I'm not going to talk much about. I don't know what is chemically or hormone-relatedly normal, but...is it a bad thing if your body is constantly going through stages of wanting genital stimulation? It's been bothering me for a while now, and today I'm wondering if it is something that ails me.
The other train of thought is: I may now be afraid of being in a relationship with anyone. People with ASD tend to get comfortable in their relationships and stop showing enough care and attention to their partners, which bothers the partners. Even if I love someone, it might be difficult for me after a while to remember that I have to keep expressing it to the person I'm dating, or they will start feeling unloved. I don't see myself as someone who can date someone for a little while and then move on to someone else. I am wary of choosing just anybody, and if there is somebody, and I have feelings for that person, apparently I become committed, the commitment and love getting stronger over time. I'm in a commitment right now to Ms. Mulaney, but she doesn't love me back. I have never felt anything this strongly before. I now have to consider what happens if I become committed to someone who then rejects or breaks up with me, and it is stressful. I want to give everything to Ms. Mulaney, to love her for the rest of either of our lives, but it doesn't look like that's something that is going to be okay. It feels so wrong for me to ignore what I'm feeling. I don't imagine a relationship as a testing ground, but a thing of partnership and commitment. Is my heart safe in this world?