My online friend doesn’t want me to talk about Styna; it makes him angry. Even so, I feel more and more that she is the person I love and want a future with, even though I’m not the one she proposed to. I don’t know why this would happen to me if I had no chance with her, but it has, and she is what I have wanted most for a long time. The love stays on.
Another family member has passed away. For 2020 and 2021, that makes five people.
My online friend doesn’t want me to talk about Styna; it makes him angry. Even so, I feel more and more that she is the person I love and want a future with, even though I’m not the one she proposed to. I don’t know why this would happen to me if I had no chance with her, but it has, and she is what I have wanted most for a long time. The love stays on.
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I have been so depressed today. It’s gotten…painful, and I don’t talk about it. Over two years on, I still am in shock from the news of Styna’s engagement. I still love her, while I grapple with going on, staying away, not messing. Life is the same, but it’s completely different. It’s like the church service I went to yesterday: empty, and fighting forward with struggle. Elsie is the only spark. Styna’s happy, which is good, while I’m…in this.
I took a look to see how things are with Styna, and…well, I can see myself getting on her nerves quickly nowadays if I talked to her. She’s a lot stronger in her attitudes and approaches to people, ideas, and behaviors (coming into herself more), while having the appearance of possibly less patience for those who are ignorant with good intentions.
I must look absolutely horrible to her now. I am sorry for the things I have done; any mention of my own disabilities leading to me making bad decisions would come off as ableist. I made bad decisions, and they were due to ignorance and anxiety. They are still my bad decisions, even as my intentions were good. I’m the “stalker” to her. Even though she hates me, it doesn’t change that my feelings have been true all this time. Those feelings don’t change the dynamic between us either. I’m the person who cares way too much, while she’s the person who sees only what I did wrong and lets that define every part of my image. She made the “error” of caring, so now she’ll fight to not give a shit. There are no winners, no losers, no fight. There are only the continuous days of the pained pedestrian and the distant freight train. This is life, and it sucks. Whenever there’s an event or change in my life, the feelings of wanting Styna and the pain from the loss of not having her become stronger and more frequent. Christmas is only a few days away, with Moving Day to a new home even sooner: tomorrow. My connection to her is still here inside me, but all I get to feel is this persistent toll of absence. There was a time where she cared, yet I so quickly was stung, became a subject and loving heart of no further interest, and silently forgotten. I can’t be as flippant.
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AuthorI have mental health problems and have had a lot of traumatic things happen in my life. If anyone cares to read...here you go, and hopefully it will help some people not feel alone. Archives
April 2024
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