I’m not sure if I am capable of fully feeling a connection with another human being and maintaining it without getting drawn back in to myself. I want to love and be one with someone, but there is a lot to overcome. I also feel like I might be a hard person to love because my brain gets on people’s nerves.
It feels like there is almost always some kind of struggle or disconnect inside me. Many of them are engraved in my person, and there’s that struggle with living with them, as they drain, mess with, or hinder me.
I’m not sure if I am capable of fully feeling a connection with another human being and maintaining it without getting drawn back in to myself. I want to love and be one with someone, but there is a lot to overcome. I also feel like I might be a hard person to love because my brain gets on people’s nerves.
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Even though Styna put as much distance between us as possible and I stopped keeping updates on her, what happened, the hurt, and the absence of connecting bother me every day.
She kept thinking that my feelings weren’t real, so I was punished for having them; whenever I feel something for her, it’s made out to be a bad thing. Styna hates me and thinks I’m a “creep.” She gave up on connection, chose someone else, and then one by one suspended anything good that could happen between us. I still have these feelings for Styna. The possible build-up of them and wanting to act on them already peaked a while ago, and now there’s everything that can’t happen and I’m not supposed to feel. I want so much to share my life with someone, and there’s no longer any outlet or hope for it anywhere, especially not with the person who I have had feelings for for so long. I want to love, connect, be intimate, and care. I can’t believe it’s been 29 months since the stuff with Styna first started. Since the end of August, I cut ties to her posts and trying to communicate. The residual from the matter can still be potent at times, in how I feel about her, the pain, and the conflict. It remains the most I have felt in connection, affection, and attraction for another human being. ... It’s also hard to believe that it is already almost two years since I asked if she would marry me. In that time, I lost her completely. I haven’t felt enough draw to a person since.
I just had a vivid, powerful dream.
It was back at my high school. I was kneeling on the ground by my locker, to get some stuff at the bottom. My mom was standing nearby, waiting, and there was a crowd in the hallway. A couple of teachers showed up and told me to close the locker on these little things propping it open. When I turned around...there was Styna. She slowly walked over and gave me a magic piece of parchment, which slowly grew words and pictures. It was sensitive to every thought in my head. Through it, she told me that she has had many friends that she has loved, but she has only fallen in love with a few. She put her arms around me and put her head on my shoulder, and we did a slow dance. She was sweating heavily on her arms, with her head soaked, and I had an overwhelming urge to hold her. I would always be there for her and love her. Then I woke up. |
AuthorI have mental health problems and have had a lot of traumatic things happen in my life. If anyone cares to read...here you go, and hopefully it will help some people not feel alone. Archives
April 2024
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