It's like there is nothing that can make me feel good. It's like one mental health aneurysm after another. I feel like this is the closest I have ever gotten to wanting to kill myself. In the state I'm in, I feel like the human race has no reason to exist. I feel like people can't really love or care about each other, that the word "friend" is an empty word. I want connection with people, but it is always taken from me. Noone wants anything to do with me because I am emotion and nothing clicks. I can't have friends, I can't have partnerships, or relationships, or anything. I'm too sick and messed up to mean anything, and my life has no meaning beyond the trial after trial that keeps hitting me. All I can see is the stuff society never fixes and every little wrong done to me or others stings. People can even talk of the power of love over hate, but love by itself means nothing. I can feel a connection and love, but it doesn't mean a thing if noone else accepts it. My passions die because of the world around me. And empathy isn't real either, or otherwise people would really feel and know what others are going through. I have tried for many people to be there for them, but they can't be there for me. People don't reach out, and I never feel like I have the reigns of my life. For Styna, I feel like I only interested her when she thought I might be relationship material. She now has the person she wanted all along. All she can see me as is a threat and mistake now, and since she has worked so hard to hold me away and wants nothing else with or from me, I am the most disposable person in her life, regardless of how much she means to me or how much I really love and care about her. I am a reflection to her of a messed-up past and can only be a sign of pain, as she never wanted my symbol of support. There is not a single thing my love can do because it no longer has worth or market value; it is reduced to a value system, and my heart and person with it. My love only means something to me, and while in these mental health and emotional throes of pain, it no longer promises happiness, purpose, or security, but loss on a bigger scale. If my life means anything only because of its inherent value, then nothing I do matters, and I can only be happy that I exist, even if it is an unhappy one.
I think I've hit a type of depression I have never had before. Nothing, absolutely nothing makes me feel good about myself. I can't anymore distract myself with the hobbies of doing documents and watching movies to make myself feel a bit of accomplishment or satisfaction; I can do them, but it doesn't help me like it used to do when I had depressive episodes. I want to do something to change my life, but I have no ideas. I can't think of anything I want to do. I can't think of anything that is worth doing. It's like a migraine has gone to my mind and heart; I can't focus on anything else but how much I hate it, and it's like the migraine is a part of me. So many more things than normal are bothering me, and they make me feel sicker. Shopping for DVDs also gave me a little thrill, but after I get them now I feel like I made the problem even bigger.
It's like there is nothing that can make me feel good. It's like one mental health aneurysm after another. I feel like this is the closest I have ever gotten to wanting to kill myself. In the state I'm in, I feel like the human race has no reason to exist. I feel like people can't really love or care about each other, that the word "friend" is an empty word. I want connection with people, but it is always taken from me. Noone wants anything to do with me because I am emotion and nothing clicks. I can't have friends, I can't have partnerships, or relationships, or anything. I'm too sick and messed up to mean anything, and my life has no meaning beyond the trial after trial that keeps hitting me. All I can see is the stuff society never fixes and every little wrong done to me or others stings. People can even talk of the power of love over hate, but love by itself means nothing. I can feel a connection and love, but it doesn't mean a thing if noone else accepts it. My passions die because of the world around me. And empathy isn't real either, or otherwise people would really feel and know what others are going through. I have tried for many people to be there for them, but they can't be there for me. People don't reach out, and I never feel like I have the reigns of my life. For Styna, I feel like I only interested her when she thought I might be relationship material. She now has the person she wanted all along. All she can see me as is a threat and mistake now, and since she has worked so hard to hold me away and wants nothing else with or from me, I am the most disposable person in her life, regardless of how much she means to me or how much I really love and care about her. I am a reflection to her of a messed-up past and can only be a sign of pain, as she never wanted my symbol of support. There is not a single thing my love can do because it no longer has worth or market value; it is reduced to a value system, and my heart and person with it. My love only means something to me, and while in these mental health and emotional throes of pain, it no longer promises happiness, purpose, or security, but loss on a bigger scale. If my life means anything only because of its inherent value, then nothing I do matters, and I can only be happy that I exist, even if it is an unhappy one.
0 Comments
There is the possibility that Styna still reads what I write, and I'm in a position right now where I feel like she doesn't trust me and everything I say and have ever done might be seen as manipulation. How could I even defend myself without seeming to be doing it again?
Based on a few of her recent posts, if they're to me, she might have been wondering what I really wanted from/with her, feeling that I wasn't honest. I felt like we were friends, partners, companions, lovers. When I have said I want to love her, what did I mean? Romantically, in the general sense of "love", and physically (but only if she wanted it too). My attraction to her is not just physical; I wanted an actual, steady, loving relationship with her that lasted. "Physical" was the whole spectrum, but only what she felt comfortable with or wanted; kissing, holding each other, hugs, sex, holding hands, etc. Sex wasn't a dealbreaker. If she didn't want it, I would have masturbated in private to relieve that stress. I didn't want just frivolous sex for pleasure, either; the thought was that it would be a sign of commitment and to help us bond on other level. If not, then not. I didn't want to "use" her; I still have only wanted to love her, and even now, when she is not mine, I still love her. Despite the stress inside me to do it, I haven't been masturbating. If she has been feeling the greater love for and connection with her friend, if he is the one who makes her the happiest, I respect that, and I want her to be the happiest she can be. I will not take the idea that I really don't love her, because I know I do, and I would do anything for her, expecting nothing in return. She is the person I love, and I am in love with her. That isn't a remark to try to change the situation from what it is; it's a fact. When I say I love her, I mean it sincerely. If a person thinks again that I'm being manipulative, so be it. I know what I feel. Over the years, I have been writing a list of movies I would like to see, but don't own, and today I decided to start putting them onto my Letterboxd account Watchlist. This is going to take me days to do, because I have around 90 sheets of notebook paper, front and back, filled out so far.
As for the Ms. Mulaney situation, I don't have the push inside me to talk about it today. One of the many things I have worried about regarding relationships is that I would fall for someone I couldn't be with, and in this instance I fell so hard I'm still in shock. Being alone just makes things worse, and loneliness is a constant. How can a person accidentally cause themselves so much damage? For almost a year now I have misunderstood different things and been misunderstood. Since March I felt like the winds were changing in some way or other, but I hoped they were positive. I kept thinking Styna's poetry quotes were about me, and I felt warmer, then revelations came crashing down. Not one thing I thought she felt or thought about me was true. I thought she was making promises and testing the strength of my love, but she was only making plans to distance herself from me. Every day I have gone through pain I thought maybe I was working toward something, anything, to keep some kind of hope alive.
She never knew me. I have poured out my heart in Tweets nearly every day, gone through different kinds of pain, and she still never knew me. For the first time in years, I was able to hope and believe in something. I had so many trains of thought, so many ideas, so many hopes. She never even "liked" me, only wanted to be rid of me. If she cares about me, it is while holding me at a distance away. Now all the love I thought came from her is gone. I have loved her every day, and wanted to shout out every day that I love her. She thought my love was fake. I would gladly have worked toward figuring out how to cross oceans for her. The distance people put between me and them makes me feel unloved, unwanted. I keep feeling more unloved. I don't even feel like I can be loved. How do I even know whether I can trust anybody, when every person I have known has always let me down, hurt me, or turned away? I feel like everybody will hurt me, and noone would ever do for me what I would be willing to do for them. A person can emptily tell me I will find love, but in my heart I don't feel like it is possible. Styna's words have group by group come to not be about me. Even stuff all the way back from last September, such as a song she wrote, probably had nothing to do with me, but instead her boyfriend. Even if she never was planning on being in a relationship with me, I thought she would cross an ocean to be with me too out of at least a strong bond or connection/platonic love. When she talked about a "platonic soulmate", she wasn't referring to me either. All this time, she never had any intention of letting me be a part of her world because she could never find it in herself to love me. One quote remains in my head, where she said she would be with someone through every cold night and set her body on fire to keep them warm. That was the quote that gave me the most hope that she loved me. It maybe doesn't have to do with me either. When she said she was going to risk her health for love, I wasn't that love. All my feelings have been real, but the rest of the past year has been a fake. She never wanted to be my friend or companion, no matter how much I have loved her and waited. Time will pass, and she will have forgotten me and anything she might have ever felt. I am alone, friendless, heartbroken, hurting, and that's all there has ever been. I can't hope for a better future. because it was never meant for me. I can't even be friends with the person I love because to live her life she feels she has to be rid of me. Why is my heart never enough? Here's Styna's poetry quote for the day. This might be her way of saying goodbye. About a month ago she said she wasn't going to say goodbye to anyone; so she'll never say goodbye, but disappear. Some people find it easier not to say goodbye. It's happened to me more than once before. One time someone told me to go to an appointment, and she would be there when I got back; while away, I felt terrible, came back, and she was gone.
This means I'm a threat to Styna's relationship, and she doesn't want to be friends or anything with me. Then I'm alone. I'll never be able to hug her or look into her eyes. We'll never be able to see The Lion King remake or It: Chapter Two with each other. There will never be conversations between us where we are at peace and enjoy each other's company. Peoples...I think she's gone. She's gone. Since Ms. Mulaney has started dating her best friend...I think she has forgotten about me. I have tried looking for signs that she still at least cares about me, but she might have only been pretending to as long as she thought I could be a potential partner. I think about her every day, and I love and care about her every day. Even if we won't date, I still want to be there for her. I still feel a strong connection with her and want to hug her, to spend time with her and be all that I can be for her. Or maybe she's pretending that she doesn't care. I can't help what I feel for her, and I hurt so. Frickin'. Much. I feel so much about her at times; to me, it feels like she's getting colder. After all this time, I thought I would at least mean something to her. I don't feel hate, only love for her.
I'm the type of person who keeps thinking. Styna is in love with one of her friends and dating him. So, it's easy to conclude that even though I love her I can't be in a relationship with her. She doesn't seem to want to be my friend either. But see: I committed to her. It's not something I can easily describe, but it is hooked into me and something that I take seriously. She's not mine, and me being hers is a state of my mind. She doesn't feed it, but it's a feeling I have as an extension of my love.
I'm here, then, thinking and feeling. I'm about the forward motion. The question buzzing in my head: What now? There's nothing I can do about this situation or my position. I desire to act on the love I have for Styna, but this is not allowed. It's the same script day in and day out. I love Styna, feel compelled from deep inside me to commit myself to her forever, but tough love. I'm tired of being alone, but I can't do anything about that. As years pass, I also find it harder for me to find avenues that will spring me to life and fill with me passion and fire. The thought of love always does this. I am committed to a person I can't love, so instead of igniting I am tired, uninspired, and just drifting. Back when there was hope, I had the thought every day that if Styna and I were together I would kiss and tell her every day that I love her. I would have felt honored to stand by her and cherish every moment we shared. Our love would have been my fuel, drive, and inspiration, and caring for her what I would live for. Anything else I would grow to be or stand and support would follow from the initial spark. How do I honor my love when it's not shared? How I do stand by and support the person I love without actually being there? And will my love ever be free? Though I am hurt and am in pain, the person Styna loves was also in pain. A while back they were seeing each other, and then out of the blue she told him that she no longer felt love for him in that way anymore. For over nine months after, he continued to be her friend while being depressed. She loved him too, so now they're together. The person she visited a few months back who loves her, her "partner", she will be moving in with. That leaves me. Styna has expressed that I make her uncomfortable and that she has no feelings for me. All the same, this experience has been harsh and I do really love her. The ball was never in my court, and it was a game of confusion. I was never able to prove myself to her, instead being labeled a threat. I'm not allowed anywhere in her world, even though she is one of the most important people in the world to me. I respect her and want to treat her with respect. I feel only good things toward her, but that's never any good. She is the person I love. For months, she has been the person I felt like sharing my "forever" with. I think every day. I love her every day. Is this supposed to end? Is the strength of one man's love to be held true and honored either? Or are my feelings the problem of everyone? As Ms. Mulaney fell in love with someone else, I think I have fallen for her even more. It's this large thing inside me, and I want more and more to tell her how much I love her and how much she means to me. It's been nearly a year since I first came across her; there's this strain on my heart. It's a situation where I can't do anything and there is no sign that anything is going to change. I'm an outlaw. This feeling inside keeps getting stronger even as the chances that she'll ever reach out to me dwindle. She might or might not know what I'm going through, or how genuine my feelings are, or how much I want to make things between us better. She probably doesn't care. I am faced with this, though, this feeling I have never had before, and people have left me in this. If it's not meant for us to have any part in each other's lives, I don't understand why this is happening to me. She is excited to kiss and be with the person she loves; I feel that for her too, but it's a raw pain. If I'm being ridiculous, okay. It is the reality that is gripping me though. And I know from my experience so far that life doesn't get better.
I don't know if Styna will ever reach out to me. I might still make her uncomfortable, and so always be a threat to her. I do love her, even though she loves someone else. I have only ever had good intentions, but they were never enough. I'm held away, and I'm stuck. If there was anything I could do to at least be friends with her, I would do it. This never ends. I feel drawn to her, and my heart feels full of emotion; for months I go through the pain I have caused myself. There is no answer to my heart, or my pain from her. I want to be there for her forever. When she puts stuff out, I don't know if she's talking to me or not. A few months ago she expressed to someone that she was glad that they had stayed. With every revelation, I now only hurt more. None of you readers might care about me or this situation. Well, you don't have to live with this, and you don't have to be reading these. I do not have a happy life, and the person I love has bad thoughts about me. This October I'll be 22. I've already had too long of a life.
Am I supposed to blow up about something? What is it that I gave up on? Am I about to be hurt? Is it bad that I still have feelings for Ms. Mulaney? People online are avoiding me or being cryptic. And what does "judgement day" mean? Police? A collection of my Tweets and messages being sent to someone, like my mom? A fight? I know I did a lot wrong before, and I'm sorry for it. Am I supposed to leave? Am I still a threat to her or make her uncomfortable?
|
AuthorI have mental health problems and have had a lot of traumatic things happen in my life. If anyone cares to read...here you go, and hopefully it will help some people not feel alone. Archives
March 2024
Categories |