Despite what Styna thinks of me or what little they think I know about them, I can honestly say that I don’t feel like my life will ever be complete unless we are together. It sounds like the ravings of a person who has let this take up nearly 20% of his years alive, but I have felt it for so long. Styna has always been beautiful and strong to me.
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Due to an autoimmune disorder, if they went out in public there would be a risk to their life, so they have been holed up for the past 3.5 years. I have been aware of this over the past few years; it's been tough for them and other immunocompromised people because the U.S. pretends COVID is over, and so there is a huge part of the population that is never safe and can't go out.
Styna recently said that they would only feel safe and comfortable in a relationship with someone who is as isolated as they have been during the continuing COVID pandemic. After I had processed that, I looked at my own life. I go to a lot of movies, we eat out, I have gone to appointments in-person, and I have visited some family every once in a while. Styna never believed that I love her/them, but all this time I have wanted to be with them; I have been going through myself the past week or so, pushing, thinking about these things while wanting to push through how to negate these everyday non-isolated activities for them. Seeing family feels like an obligation, and my mom has told me in the past that I AM going to see them; the ones I have pushed to see every great once in a while are my last set of grandparents, one who is in a nursing home with dementia and Parkinson's. For food, we typically don't have much at home but the same things over and over, and if my mom is tired we go out to one of our favorite places to eat. I don't know yet if my appointments can be over the phone or through video conference, and if so if they will let me unless I lie about how I can't be at any of the places in person. So, two of the four types of activities come down to formalities. The food and movies have to do with engrained things, the former by a form of formality that became a desired thing. Despite how there are different issues to consider, my mind goes back to how often I go to movies. Movies are a passion and hobby; they don't require me to go to the theater, I watch plenty of movies at home too, yet going to movies has always been an important thing to me since I was little, and beside from snuggling with my cat or sleeping, going to the movies also became an outlet to get away from home situations and family dynamics and anxiety/stress. Then, over the past year, young adults/late teenage employees at the theater have become familiar with me and started socializing a little in person, plus some stuff on film social media site Letterboxd. It's not intimate, but it's something that I haven't been used to in my life since the days when I was the head of a Disqus community; there's a friendly thing to it that I have also experienced at a few of the restaurants I have frequented due to waiters recognizing us. For the theater, it's also a social thing, even if it's not every time, and even though it's brief. I also thought about how I could ever get a job if I'm isolated; I searched for remote jobs on Indeed, and the current ones in my area required experience and years of schooling in different fields that I don't have. What there is for me and my future I haven't figured out yet. So I layed these things out, and though getting through the expulsion of some of these things would be rough, the urge to be with Styna and somehow get through my feelings toward these other things so I could have and be there for her is with me too. Then...something sometimes hits me, the pain of how they don't have the same feelings for me, and all these years where I have felt things for them plus been spinning in wheels through life because of one thing after another and never seeming to advance in anything. It's like, since my preteen years forward, inside I have felt isolated, and whenever something develops I am put back where I was, with the loss in its place. With Styna, I have kept feeling like this is it, this is the connection, I know it is, but...it's always dangling, and if I pay enough attention to Styna's detachment from me, I feel more cut off from the world. Then with the hope of Styna, things start getting brighter, then I think about how getting my hopes up leads to getting hurt. As my other expectations and goals for the future fell over the years and I haven't been able to find a way to get up, my love for Styna and the thought of being with Styna remained. There are these things in my daily life I cling to, and then there is the hope for a better day someday, even though I don't know if it will ever come. Let’s see what things at the moment I can recall to post. Life’s been hectic.
* My brother got kicked out of Job Corps…was it the end of April? He moved back in with us until a housing program will take him. * He’s met a girl in Oklahoma online, they say they’re in love, and he wants to move down there in the future. They hold Snapchat video chats with each other for long periods of time, and she likes to talk about all the things she wants them to do sexually with each other. * The girlfriend just found out she has autism. Styna found out sometime in the past year that she/they have autism too. * Next week, my mom, aunt, and uncle will be flying to Ohio for a little over half the week, and I’ll be home alone with my brother and cat for the whole duration. * My colonoscopy and endoscopy last month came back with: 1. A polyp 2. Lymphocytic colitis 3. Extreme amount of bile in my stomach To find any other problems in me, #s 2 and 3 first have to be worked on. * I wish me and Styna could be together. I love them. * Things have been stressful. |
AuthorI have mental health problems and have had a lot of traumatic things happen in my life. If anyone cares to read...here you go, and hopefully it will help some people not feel alone. Archives
April 2024
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