I was supposed to have my third and final job skills assessment this past day. I called my supervisor and told him I wasn't feeling well (no sleep the night before, major headache, nauseous), so we'll see when the new date for the assessment is.
Ms. Mulaney stuff is always the most fun to talk about, isn't it? It can be really repetitive, but still fun, right? ...Am I being sarcastic? In this case, I have no idea.
Ms. Mulaney posted something about a month ago which asked the question of whether a person really cares about someone or is just interested in their stuff to see if they are available (as a romantic partner). That question she may have about me. Since she said she has a partner she has a strong bond with, I'm not expecting her to post that she's single. Here's the thing: I do care about Ms. Mulaney, but I have a hard time not seeing her as a possible romantic partner. Let's put "possible" in quotations. She is the person I have had the strongest feelings of wanting to be with in my life. When I have talked about how I could marry her, it wasn't in a joking tone, and in recent times it hasn't been simply a passing remark. My head is a little mixed up. I know she's not mine, she says she has someone else, and yet I feel like I am hers and want us to be each others forever.
I keep seeing her as the person I want to love. It is hard for me to think of caring about her from afar and with no contact, as she is constantly upbeat on her social media accounts (even when there is a problem), and she has so much support from people that do communicate with her, that I feel like the fact that I care about her means next to nothing, and it is hard to care about her or her problems when she appears to brush her problems aside and also pokes fun at herself. That only leaves me wanting to love her. In cases where she isn't feeling the best, I do think a lot about her and wonder how she's doing. Then the romantic side takes a back seat to me caring about her. For instance, this next day she might be going to see a cardiologist, as she might have some kind of heart disorder now too. And you know what? That frickin' scares me. My father became paranoid/phobic of his blood pressure and heart rate years ago, and the more I hear about heart attacks, strokes, the like, the more it scares and stresses me out. One day while in school (high school), we learned that the librarian wasn't going to be in for a while. The reason why was because she came home after work one day to find her healthy husband dead on the lawn from a heart attack. A couple years ago my family brought me to the emergency room late at night because I was having extreme chest pains; I got into such a state of anxiety about that I might be about to have a heart attack that the nurses had to work with me for a while to calm my breathing and anxiety down. If Ms. Mulaney has some kind of heart defect or disorder, you can bet that I am already in the corners of her ring, highly concerned for her.
I've stated before that I don't know how she feels about or thinks of me, and I don't. If she doesn't have feelings for me, that is something I have to come to terms with. But I still care about and love her, even if she doesn't love me. Since I am willing to propose to her, well...is it wrong for me to feel hurt? Pertaining to the fact that she has a partner, I'm accepting of that until I feel a pain in that I don't have any place in her heart, and despite my feelings I have no claim to be in any part of her world. It's also hard for me in that my chemicals and hormones can get strong, and then my wanting to love her gets to be a bit much, and I become even more committed to her.
In this, we see the trouble of me being a friend to her, if she would allow it. How am I supposed to rightly stand by her and her relationship if my feelings for her at times get intense? It's not infatuation. I do love her. But I keep desiring to be with her, loving her, being intimate with her, being vulnerable to her.
She might have had thoughts to do something around April 6 or 7, and I thought that was maybe her saying that we could be friends. The problem is that my brain thinking of that makes me in a state that would appear less emotionally sincere in my caring about her. If that date came around and emotionally I wasn't in the correct place that she wanted because up to it I had suspicions, it would make all of either of our's hard work mean nothing, and she might be uncomfortable with me, as wouldn't know if she could trust me. I feel compelled to say the date, as it feels wrong for me to have hope in it and keep my previous suspicions tucked away. Because that involves a matter of thought, the date has me intellectually detained and neglects my emotions. To expect there to be any day where she reaches out to me is to do the same: Make my emotions seem less real because they are not at the forefront. Since it is hard for me to stop thinking, the only way I can think of to feel and be most sincere instead of thinking is to try to be content in the position I am in, to not expect to be allowed for Ms. Mulaney and I to grow any closer, to silently be there for her while also caring about her and being supportive of her relationship with her partner. After putting seven months into the development of my feelings for her and continuing to be there for her, it appears that there can still be doubt as to why I am still there and what I am really feeling toward her. If I am not in appearance of sincerity, then my true sincerity and feelings can be written off as false. The outside must match the inside. Even then, I can't expect her to then let me in because I have proven myself. That would be unfair and disingenuous; she has expressed no positive notes on the matter of pardoning me, and even if she had, my sincerity seems to fall through the moment I would get excited.
Anyway...good talk, good talk. No more typing for this post, as I need to get off to bed. If this post was messy to you, dear reader, then don't forget to wipe.