There are very few people I know who have never hurt me. Sometimes you don’t know they think or feel a way about you until later, in a negative or forceful way. My cat is the only one I can trust.
By this time, I feel like Styna must be sick of me. If anything happens, it’s going to end up bad for me. It’s the reoccurring pattern of being separated from someone who meant a lot to you, the person keeping their distance while new happiness enters their life, and then either cutting you out or now seeing you in an unfavorable light. She has severed all feeling of connection to me and put out the light.
There are very few people I know who have never hurt me. Sometimes you don’t know they think or feel a way about you until later, in a negative or forceful way. My cat is the only one I can trust.
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Styna is still upset with me and feels threatened. She believes I am obsessed with her and don’t actually love her. The truth is, I do love her.
She is still contemplating whether to contact the police or not. So...she lost all sense of connection with me. Because of how she sees me, we might never be friends. I’m cut off from the person I love. I am depressed and wanting to die again. I don’t feel like I am worth loving and that I don’t deserve life.
Then, with Styna, she hasn’t reached out to me. I love her, but we never talk or are together. She is the person I love. There is the loss and pain that is different from the others I have known. I feel alone and disconnected. This is the holiday season, which could use more cheer. The future never lights up. I am 22 years old, while my brother is 18. It has now come to that point in life where he will verbally attack me anywhere. I am frequently called an “idiot.”
Early morning, 7:00 a.m.: My brother has gone into my room and squirted me with a stream of water. Meanwhile, the past couple days, I have been having strong bad dreams. In waking life, I feel hurt, upset, depressed, whathaveyou. I continue to have loads of feelings for a person I haven’t met face-to-face and who has been engaged to someone else for a month-and-a-half now. She cut me off, and I miss her. I love Styna. Typing this little, I’m still tearing up. Life isn’t fair.
For the past couple weeks, I haven’t been getting as much done. I keep laying down and falling asleep. Being in the embrace of sleep feels better than living my life.
At times, I am critical of other people in my household’s errors, especially those of conversation and speech. It feels like I can’t get through a conversation without something irritating me. When it comes to them not being on the same wavelength as me, it’s off-putting, and that even includes being myself. Elsie (the cat) continues to have a great bond with me. A few days ago, we spent hours spread out on the floor together. The situation with Styna bothers me, and there is still hurt. |
AuthorI have mental health problems and have had a lot of traumatic things happen in my life. If anyone cares to read...here you go, and hopefully it will help some people not feel alone. Archives
April 2024
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