It could be something with her/their health that happened, or with someone they love. I’m worried about her. If it’s me, though, being there without interacting…if they sense me and I’m hurting them…I don’t know how I could live with myself, with me causing her unintentional pain again. I had started looking at things again a little while back, and they have been one of the bright spots in my day. If my love is the problem…then maybe my heart is toxic.
I feel like something bad has happened. It looked like Styna was doing okay, but something must have happened. I automatically start feeling like it has something to do with me, but I don’t know how it could this time, since I haven’t tried sending anything to them in a long time.
It could be something with her/their health that happened, or with someone they love. I’m worried about her. If it’s me, though, being there without interacting…if they sense me and I’m hurting them…I don’t know how I could live with myself, with me causing her unintentional pain again. I had started looking at things again a little while back, and they have been one of the bright spots in my day. If my love is the problem…then maybe my heart is toxic.
0 Comments
I still love Styna, and I love her/them so much. I’m not supposed to keep feeling this way, but I do. They are with someone else, and yet…I still want her. All that love does, and how it can keep going despite loss.
My heart can hurt even more, and I can get even more depressed. I know because I’m feeling them happen. Over time, with it being reinforced that I can’t do or be what I want, I have grown numb to knowing what I want; there’s nothing to get out of life.
Styna was the greatest hope and want I had left, and I have loved her and wanted to be with her so much. I still want her, but I can’t have her. Now she is in my dreams, and there is love and big pain. Me and my love don’t matter to her, but everything has mattered to me. I can’t do anything about anything, but how I feel matters to me. Falling in love with someone who doesn’t love you back, why did this happen to me? It hurts and stabs even as my heart reaches out. I’ll never be with the person I love, and life doesn’t feel right or worth it. There’s this giant piece missing and I can’t do anything about it but try to stand while my gut tumbles.
I haven’t gotten any sleep this past night, so I’ll keep this post brief.
I have appointments every week, for regular and physical therapy, the latter of which is twice a week. My digestive system stuff is off and on having lots of fun. Every day I am wanting to be with Styna, to have and love her. Whenever I think of typing. I don’t know what to say or feel like I shouldn’t. On the one hand, my mind and emotions feel trapped and stifled. Then also: I love Styna so much. Why do I and my mind hurt myself like this?
My mom was in a car accident a few days ago and has been in the hospital pretty much since, until she’s able to walk again. Last night I had a couple very upsetting dreams, one of them being that she died.
I am more aware now of my depression just under the surface about different things, including the person I love. Whether it’s paranoia or not, I have a bad feeling about something that’s coming. If it’s true, my depression is going to get worse. Just floating by myself somewhere. If anyone sees me from a distance, y’all will leave me quick anyway, so keep peddling away. My raft hasn’t filled all the way up with water yet; the future hasn’t hit yet, so we can just pretend it’s fine.
I decided to look at my tarot for today. Yeah…this is…right on for how I feel. On the other hand, I have had a cat snuggling with me on my bed for six hours so far. She is one of the biggest blessings I have ever had in my life.
Why does pain inside keep coming? I want it, my life, everything to end, it all keeps on. I'm going on 25 years old and instead of life there has been too much of the dark for my age; nothing is ever going to get better. Static, loss, emptiness, heartbreak, these aches.
|
AuthorI have mental health problems and have had a lot of traumatic things happen in my life. If anyone cares to read...here you go, and hopefully it will help some people not feel alone. Archives
April 2024
Categories |