Jumping over to Styna….she’s not doing good. She has been isolated since the beginning of the COVID pandemic over two years ago, with no end in sight. On top of that, the news has been flooded with horrible things lately, with people not even being able to trust the government, so…it’s like her mental health is under assault from nearly everywhere. I love her, but I can’t do anything to help or comfort her. I can’t be with her, talk to her, hold her, anything. Nobody is there with her except her animals. I want her to be okay, yet there is nothing happening to help her. Our world is okay with people suffering.
I have been going to a “day program” off-and-on for over five months now. I had grown sort of close to my supervisor; now he no longer works at the program, with noone filling his position. I didn’t know him for too long, but it is apparent that I get attached to places and people, since trauma from the past surfaces whenever I am confronted with the fact he’s gone; I am reminded of all the deaths, departures, and estrangements of my life, a never-ending cycle of loss.
Jumping over to Styna….she’s not doing good. She has been isolated since the beginning of the COVID pandemic over two years ago, with no end in sight. On top of that, the news has been flooded with horrible things lately, with people not even being able to trust the government, so…it’s like her mental health is under assault from nearly everywhere. I love her, but I can’t do anything to help or comfort her. I can’t be with her, talk to her, hold her, anything. Nobody is there with her except her animals. I want her to be okay, yet there is nothing happening to help her. Our world is okay with people suffering.
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I need so much sleep. My stomach keeps having problems. Sometimes I feel like with all the things going on that the world is collapsing.
Elsie is really sweet and wants to snuggle a lot. As for the person I love, I feel like something happened and she is scared of and angry with me again; that another thing is now going to happen and I’m about to be bitten. So…I’m scared, tired, upset with myself for whatever I did, my stomach hurts. It’s a new day. The hope bottle for life is close to empty. The cat must be somewhere nearby. My heart just…broke.
I don’t know how or why a heart can break so many times. But it’s happened again. This is what happens when you love someone who doesn’t love you back, but actually has hated you, and you keep holding on to your love, deluded that in the real world love can surmount any struggles and empower you, bringing the best out of life. Now I can only look at myself and wonder what good a person who thinks like me could possibly be. Death is a constant presence to my family right now; people in our family and people we know have been dying from different things.
Then yesterday, our vet told us Elsie had lost a lot of weight since our last visit and insinuated that at her age she could die at any time. After our appointment, a wailing cat was brought in, with the owner leaving without the cat not too long after; with tears, he talked to himself about how he just had to surrender. We left and saw my uncle in the hospital; he had a stroke. Whenever my mom watches a movie with death or parents, she thinks of her own parents and gets emotional; as she puts it, our family has become traumatized. For me, it’s multiple layers of stuff that are always with me, with other problems and metaphorical deaths that continue to occur with connections in my life. It just keeps coming. I don’t know what to make of how I’m doing right now. Something is off in my head, and I don’t know if it’s good or bad. I feel like I’m in a nook and cranny, emotionally a mix too.
Just as Christmastime can be a reminder of the ones we lost and increase how much people feel alone, today is a potentially painful day for those with broken or aching hearts. I want to curl up in a ball and be shot.
Believe it or not…my feelings for Styna get stronger. My heart can overflow at times, it’s so much and it overwhelms me. Then at other times, my heart is in incredible pain. Circumstances never change, and I’m afraid of having to live in this pain forever, never getting to be with the person I love. It’s been 42 months since I found her; I don’t want any other person to spend the rest of my life with. I wish I knew what to do, and there’s the cold wind of possibility that there isn’t, and I’ll always be alone with the love and pain.
Whenever I look at life, pain comes over me. Like right now. There are a lot of thoughts and feelings that cripple me, and it’s negative things that latch on and suck. If I didn’t have Elsie, or the thought of how my death would affect my mom, I would be gone.
Some things:
* My brother came home from Job Corps for Christmas break, but he has still been with us for the indeterminate future because the federal employees back at Job Corps refuse to get their COVID vaccines. * My “friend” online has been known to have episodes where he becomes angry and accusatory (sometimes saying things that seem random), and there has now been another episode (revolving around theater discounts), with him avoiding me now. I don’t know what about me throws people off, but I’m so damn sick of people assuming things about me and then acting on those assumptions. * I am of the mind that Styna must think of me as a deluded, manipulative individual who convinced himself that he loved her despite never having really known her. Despite her pretending, we did make a connection a few years ago and I have had genuine feelings for her. I don’t make things up about her and who she is to myself; I don’t have some glorified, flawless, unrealistic picture of her. I love her for what I know, don’t know, have experienced and felt, with shades over time and the persistent growing and developing of love over that time. At one time, she wanted to connect too, but actions and assumptions on both sides got in the way, and she gave up, pushed me away, and then formed new thoughts and feelings about me, deleting what was true and came before, when I was away. She loves someone else now, while I’m still out here, in a way alone, and feeling all the same. * Elsie is still such a sweetheart. Another family member has passed away. For 2020 and 2021, that makes five people.
My online friend doesn’t want me to talk about Styna; it makes him angry. Even so, I feel more and more that she is the person I love and want a future with, even though I’m not the one she proposed to. I don’t know why this would happen to me if I had no chance with her, but it has, and she is what I have wanted most for a long time. The love stays on. |
AuthorI have mental health problems and have had a lot of traumatic things happen in my life. If anyone cares to read...here you go, and hopefully it will help some people not feel alone. Archives
April 2024
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