Over these years, I’ve held this feeling of wanting to be with them and share the rest of my life with them, to love Styna forever. I had been thinking on the isolation piece for myself and how to plan it, and now…does this mean there is no chance for happiness? My heart keeps being twisted, but… I still love them.
Styna just recently said that they will never get engaged again, and I’m getting the feeling that they are going to avoid relationships.
Over these years, I’ve held this feeling of wanting to be with them and share the rest of my life with them, to love Styna forever. I had been thinking on the isolation piece for myself and how to plan it, and now…does this mean there is no chance for happiness? My heart keeps being twisted, but… I still love them.
0 Comments
Despite what Styna thinks of me or what little they think I know about them, I can honestly say that I don’t feel like my life will ever be complete unless we are together. It sounds like the ravings of a person who has let this take up nearly 20% of his years alive, but I have felt it for so long. Styna has always been beautiful and strong to me.
Due to an autoimmune disorder, if they went out in public there would be a risk to their life, so they have been holed up for the past 3.5 years. I have been aware of this over the past few years; it's been tough for them and other immunocompromised people because the U.S. pretends COVID is over, and so there is a huge part of the population that is never safe and can't go out.
Styna recently said that they would only feel safe and comfortable in a relationship with someone who is as isolated as they have been during the continuing COVID pandemic. After I had processed that, I looked at my own life. I go to a lot of movies, we eat out, I have gone to appointments in-person, and I have visited some family every once in a while. Styna never believed that I love her/them, but all this time I have wanted to be with them; I have been going through myself the past week or so, pushing, thinking about these things while wanting to push through how to negate these everyday non-isolated activities for them. Seeing family feels like an obligation, and my mom has told me in the past that I AM going to see them; the ones I have pushed to see every great once in a while are my last set of grandparents, one who is in a nursing home with dementia and Parkinson's. For food, we typically don't have much at home but the same things over and over, and if my mom is tired we go out to one of our favorite places to eat. I don't know yet if my appointments can be over the phone or through video conference, and if so if they will let me unless I lie about how I can't be at any of the places in person. So, two of the four types of activities come down to formalities. The food and movies have to do with engrained things, the former by a form of formality that became a desired thing. Despite how there are different issues to consider, my mind goes back to how often I go to movies. Movies are a passion and hobby; they don't require me to go to the theater, I watch plenty of movies at home too, yet going to movies has always been an important thing to me since I was little, and beside from snuggling with my cat or sleeping, going to the movies also became an outlet to get away from home situations and family dynamics and anxiety/stress. Then, over the past year, young adults/late teenage employees at the theater have become familiar with me and started socializing a little in person, plus some stuff on film social media site Letterboxd. It's not intimate, but it's something that I haven't been used to in my life since the days when I was the head of a Disqus community; there's a friendly thing to it that I have also experienced at a few of the restaurants I have frequented due to waiters recognizing us. For the theater, it's also a social thing, even if it's not every time, and even though it's brief. I also thought about how I could ever get a job if I'm isolated; I searched for remote jobs on Indeed, and the current ones in my area required experience and years of schooling in different fields that I don't have. What there is for me and my future I haven't figured out yet. So I layed these things out, and though getting through the expulsion of some of these things would be rough, the urge to be with Styna and somehow get through my feelings toward these other things so I could have and be there for her is with me too. Then...something sometimes hits me, the pain of how they don't have the same feelings for me, and all these years where I have felt things for them plus been spinning in wheels through life because of one thing after another and never seeming to advance in anything. It's like, since my preteen years forward, inside I have felt isolated, and whenever something develops I am put back where I was, with the loss in its place. With Styna, I have kept feeling like this is it, this is the connection, I know it is, but...it's always dangling, and if I pay enough attention to Styna's detachment from me, I feel more cut off from the world. Then with the hope of Styna, things start getting brighter, then I think about how getting my hopes up leads to getting hurt. As my other expectations and goals for the future fell over the years and I haven't been able to find a way to get up, my love for Styna and the thought of being with Styna remained. There are these things in my daily life I cling to, and then there is the hope for a better day someday, even though I don't know if it will ever come. Let’s see what things at the moment I can recall to post. Life’s been hectic.
* My brother got kicked out of Job Corps…was it the end of April? He moved back in with us until a housing program will take him. * He’s met a girl in Oklahoma online, they say they’re in love, and he wants to move down there in the future. They hold Snapchat video chats with each other for long periods of time, and she likes to talk about all the things she wants them to do sexually with each other. * The girlfriend just found out she has autism. Styna found out sometime in the past year that she/they have autism too. * Next week, my mom, aunt, and uncle will be flying to Ohio for a little over half the week, and I’ll be home alone with my brother and cat for the whole duration. * My colonoscopy and endoscopy last month came back with: 1. A polyp 2. Lymphocytic colitis 3. Extreme amount of bile in my stomach To find any other problems in me, #s 2 and 3 first have to be worked on. * I wish me and Styna could be together. I love them. * Things have been stressful. There’s been a lot going on in my family with my brother lately, and whenever I think about typing/texting it here, I feel overwhelmed. Maybe I’ll do it soon.
What got me to write this today is a post of Styna’s that at first made me think they were either still upset with me because of past messages or they’re struggling with trolls. Sometimes things come from the back of my mind, and I don’t know how they surface, but they do. Right now I’m thinking: What if someone really wanted to mess up things for me further or hurt me? They could try to contact Styna and pretend it’s me. I haven’t tried to talk to them in a long time; it’s been so long I would have to look in my past Sent Messages to see when it was. This thought/feeling probably is unfounded in reality, but I wanted to make a record of it here as a statement. Of course, if it turned out to be true, this post might look suspicious; there’s nothing I can do about that. I think Styna’s ex might be getting back together with her/them. I’ve wondered how he’s doing too, but he doesn’t post much; yesterday, he filmed himself singing a part of “Can’t Help Falling in Love.” I don’t know who broke up with who before; whoever it was, he must be wanting a second chance.
With that…my chances of being with Styna just shrunk again. Love is a rollercoaster, but my coaster only smashes into the ground. Styna is a wonderful, beautiful, special person, I love them, but through these feelings keep hurting myself. I’m the person who came along that noone asked for, and I fell in love, kept having these feelings no matter how many times things happened and my heart ached. If they’re getting back together, she/they might have their pain subside. Mine keeps going on for maybe forever; even when I get my digestive system stuff possibly figured out in May, there will still be this pain inside my head and heart. My heart…why do I still keep crying? P.S., Hours After Writing The Rest of This: A few years ago, I had the striking feeling that Ash, Styna’s partner, was reading some of my posts, since it seemed like he was using what I wrote for his own gain. I’m wondering the same thing again, and I don’t know why my posts would matter to him. Depression grabbed me this past night.
I found out a couple reasons why Styna won’t choose me. The first is because I still live with my mom, and she doesn’t want to feel like she’s “raising” her partner. The other reason is, she now identifies as asexual. I can’t move out because I’m not financially stable. I can’t get a job until my digestive problems are figured out. “Raising” me isn’t the exact problem; I also don’t have all the skills I should. I can help, and I can learn things, and I have with time. It’s difficult to do things when your body drains you mentally and at times physically and emotionally, and when your household life is frequently disorganized and you don’t have control over parts of it. I have had feelings for Styna all these years now, and I have wanted to be with them. I am a person who needs touch and craves multiple layers of intimacy (physical, emotional, mental). Styna is closing off from the physical, which is like a blade cutting off a piece of me. I love her/them so much, and it’s why I’m now trying to detach myself from sensations and having a hard time, going back into myself inside. There’s a new feeling of loss to go with the old, because Styna won’t have me, I want to love them and provide for them, and yet I am at risk of not feeling whole. I feel like covering myself up in however many blankets I can, to drown out my nerves and senses, and vent things out, to cry and scream, but it won’t help me. My love is not enough, pushed away, and even so, from me handled, restricted. I’m feeling again like I’ll be alone forever, that I’ll feel disconnected from people and life, while life presses down on me. I can’t live, give my heart, thrive. I’m in a lifelong stewing pot, mixed with a beating heart of four-and-a-half years for someone who won’t have me. This past day has been especially bad.
There were difficulties regarding supper, our cat has had some health problems, I saw an awards season film contender that I was appalled by, a person I talk to online took offense to me really disliking the film. There’s also the matter that things have been really stressful at my mom’s job with drama between coworkers and one of the main people involved texting my mom constantly. Then there’s also been technology issues with my phone and laptop. My brother met a girl online and is planning on moving in with her. Styna has been going through a lot and appears to have given up on relationships. They probably have bad thoughts about me too. There’s probably more Stuff I’m forgetting about. Styna is in pain right now. There’s no news on how they’re doing.
Apparently, this June some of my family (my mom included) are traveling to Ohio to see an old lifelong friend of theirs. It makes me feel upset, since even if I went along I wouldn’t be able to see Styna, being so close. My health problems drag on, and so does depression in both of our lives. |
AuthorI have mental health problems and have had a lot of traumatic things happen in my life. If anyone cares to read...here you go, and hopefully it will help some people not feel alone. Archives
April 2024
Categories |