* People are rallying at the capital building, demanding the state reopen everything. My mom’s friends are among those who think the response to COVID-19 is an overreaction and that Trump, not our governor, is handling things correctly. In fact, we didn’t even close down as many things as other states did, and we’re experiencing rapid spread of the virus over in the Fargo area (where those friends are from).
* Then, my brother is like an irritation bomb that keeps going off more and more.
* The last straw was tonight. My mom and I were watching the 2013/2014 remake of Carrie when it stopped working about 30 minutes in. I was tense because of the way Carrie’s mom was treating and not listening to her, completely misunderstanding and changing the beginning of the Book of Genesis. Carrie is the one who is punished.
Though the movie was no longer working, I felt we still had time to try to watch a 50-minute IMAX special instead and make sure something productive had come of the evening.
My mom wouldn’t listen to me. She was sure she knew what I was going to say (start a long movie now late at night) and I wasn’t able to tell her my idea. This has happened many times before, where, because she is the parent, she is in control, and let noone challenge that by telling her that her assumption is wrong. She gets livid. If I say she’s not listening to me and just hear me out, that makes her angrier. I have experience with both parents not listening to me, and the stuff with my dad led to more trauma. I have nightmares of the both of them yelling at me, telling me I’m just the kid, to put my Asperger’s away, that I’m being bad and defiant, to shut the hell up.
My mom got angry at me tonight and wouldn’t let me talk. I called her a “big meany”, and that was it. I’m going to be punished for the next month-and-a-half, and my Social Security money goes to her. She says I’m the only one who did anything wrong. She has compared me to my brother, saying I’m like him, and there is no excuse for treating a mother the way I have treated her, that she is the mother, and that’s that. Her memory of our argument is off, and I’m not allowed to tell her step by step what happened, because then I’m trying to make an excuse for my bad behavior.
I’m out of sorts right now with a fight-or-flight response, and I think Styna might be upset with me again too. Elsie isn’t here for comfort. I’m talking to a wall.