This must be the kind of day where I end up posting more than one thing, I guess...
I think she might think of me as a threat or be upset at me again.
I must be a basket case who never catches on that he is one.
Situation: Person #1 loves Person #2, but Person #2 is in love with Person #3.
Question: Is it a common or bad thing for a supposed Person #1's heart to melt/feel gooey at the poetry Person #2 writes for #3?
Because...even though the words aren't meant for me, they're getting to me. When I'm not in pain, I could swoon.
I have been posting things on Twitter most of the time, because I'm not on the laptop. I'm just going to assume that any possible reader keeps up with both of these; it'd be a bit much to keep updating these sites on what the other one said.
My immune system might be out of wack right now. I'm going to a walk-in clinic later to find out if I have strep throat; I can't eat or drink anything (even yogurt and water), it hurts to talk, there's sinus problems, stomach issues, yada yada yada. My emotions keep telling me that I should die, too.
I love Styna, and everything hurts.
Well...I'm getting more depressed.
My brother continues to get worse, and he's verbally abusive on a regular basis. All it takes is one remark from him and I go into some sort of shock.
I started getting my hopes up that maybe Styna wanted to be with me, even though there was still a little bit of doubt because a lot of things hadn't been addressed yet. A post of hers today made the doubt bigger.
My love for her keeps growing. I want to love and spend the rest of my life with her, which isn't changing. But am I setting myself up for heartbreak? She could be feeling happier because she found someone else who makes her happy and she intends to be with.
Though I don't understand what has been going on from her end, I have been trusting in her. If I had no trust in her, I would probably have left not long after meeting her online. I thought the book and its late-year release date was a thing of trust.
...And now I will never know what things she writes are about me or someone else.
I don't know which messages are for me. I feel isolated.
Does this mean that she doesn't love me? Or will talk to me? ...I feel like she's cut me out of her world. I thought she loved me.
My meteorology report predicts that there will be rain someday, and depression always. Back to you, Jill.
Sometimes it can be a struggle to know what to talk about here. The atmosphere with my family in this apartment tends to be either dead, anxious, depressing, or poisonous. When I watch movies and do documents, I spark a little bit of life, and my cat tends to do that wherever she goes as well. If not for film and Elsie, my spirit would be dead. And my mom makes the future sound like a monotonous, dreary thing where I will work all day, go home exhausted, spend all my time sleeping, and then restart the cycle again, because being a real adult means there is no place for fun. I live in a family where nobody has much for hobbies; my pursuing film and movies on a regular basis is the only sort of life I see in the rest of this, where everything else is considered "normal".
Ms. Mulaney's book comes out at the end of October. I am unsure if it's about me or not, but...I think...it is?
A YouTuber by the name of Chronically Jaquie, who was an inspiration for Ms. Mulaney and who she considered family, died just the other day, which is going to be hard on her. Though we aren't talking with each other, I'll silently be there for her anyway. I love her so much, and I wish I could give her a big hug right now.
I'm feeling a lot of pain lately. Almost every day I'm walking around with it, plus fatigue. The distance and silence between Ms. Mulaney and I always hurts. She is the only one I have felt this strongly about, and I haven't changed my feelings of wanting to be with her. I haven't wanted anyone else. I know I shouldn't, but I continue to masturbate only to the thought of her. It leaves me sad, though. I want to share everything with her and be one with her for the rest of my life. Through everything, I keep feeling like she's The One.
Again, I got to typing here too late, and earlier I had stuff to say. All I can think right now is that I continue to love Ms. Mulaney, and I can't imagine feeling the way I do toward anyone else.
In unrelated news, I have been having some technology problems lately. Twitter isn't always working on my phone, and the laptop has been experiencing errors. Well, on the bright side, if technology fails me, I can always give Elsie the mouse.
I don't have a lot of time to write something up at the moment, but here are a few updates:
* Ms. Mulaney might be getting married this fall.
* She is probably going to cut off all connection with me.
* I received an e-mail from a stranger at a company telling me that he loves me. Huh?
I have mental health problems and have had a lot of traumatic things happen in my life. If anyone cares to read...here you go, and hopefully it will help some people not feel alone.