I found out a couple reasons why Styna won’t choose me. The first is because I still live with my mom, and she doesn’t want to feel like she’s “raising” her partner. The other reason is, she now identifies as asexual.
I can’t move out because I’m not financially stable. I can’t get a job until my digestive problems are figured out. “Raising” me isn’t the exact problem; I also don’t have all the skills I should. I can help, and I can learn things, and I have with time. It’s difficult to do things when your body drains you mentally and at times physically and emotionally, and when your household life is frequently disorganized and you don’t have control over parts of it.
I have had feelings for Styna all these years now, and I have wanted to be with them. I am a person who needs touch and craves multiple layers of intimacy (physical, emotional, mental). Styna is closing off from the physical, which is like a blade cutting off a piece of me. I love her/them so much, and it’s why I’m now trying to detach myself from sensations and having a hard time, going back into myself inside.
There’s a new feeling of loss to go with the old, because Styna won’t have me, I want to love them and provide for them, and yet I am at risk of not feeling whole. I feel like covering myself up in however many blankets I can, to drown out my nerves and senses, and vent things out, to cry and scream, but it won’t help me. My love is not enough, pushed away, and even so, from me handled, restricted.
I’m feeling again like I’ll be alone forever, that I’ll feel disconnected from people and life, while life presses down on me. I can’t live, give my heart, thrive. I’m in a lifelong stewing pot, mixed with a beating heart of four-and-a-half years for someone who won’t have me.