And as far as the whole love/Styna thing...my mind and emotions feel raw. I wish there would have been something to come out of this. My heart feels married and committed to a person I can’t have, and yet I still don’t have any companions or partners to make me feel better about life. My love isn’t accepted, so it doesn’t feel fulfilled/fulfilling. If I am forced to disembark from this journey, it would have been nice to have something to move my love to. I am ready for commitment and intimacy in my life, but I don’t see that possibility anywhere around me.
Regarding my long job search, some applications have been submitted to different places, and so far they’re not being accepted. I’m going to have to keep plugging away until someplace will actually take me.
And as far as the whole love/Styna thing...my mind and emotions feel raw. I wish there would have been something to come out of this. My heart feels married and committed to a person I can’t have, and yet I still don’t have any companions or partners to make me feel better about life. My love isn’t accepted, so it doesn’t feel fulfilled/fulfilling. If I am forced to disembark from this journey, it would have been nice to have something to move my love to. I am ready for commitment and intimacy in my life, but I don’t see that possibility anywhere around me.
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For those who don’t know they can check on the Tables of Content page for what content charts will be coming next, or what I plan to do documents for next (since a new cycle is about to begin), here are a couple screenshots. You’re welcome. Upcoming Content Charts (24) Upcoming Documents (24)
If Styna was wanting us to be okay with each other, to at least be friends, it doesn’t feel like it. She posts stuff with her and her boyfriend and says she’s going to marry him, but I don’t feel like I am on the journey with them. They are constantly doing things together, when she has never done a single thing with me, never wanted to communicate with me, never gave me or my heart a chance. I keep feeling more isolated, like she is putting as much distance between us as possible.
She may have some kind of plan to see me for a brief bit, but then here she would be reaching out to me long after she had already rejected me, left me still having feelings for her, and started plans to move to the United Kingdom to marry and be with her boyfriend. I have been nowhere with them on this journey, because I was cut off. If I’m supposed to just feel okay about everything, well... I don’t. I don’t feel right, and I don’t feel like I fit in. I was never a part of their organic process; I have been craving my own, and waiting, and have been hurt and lost hope. I feel like I’m shit. Some things to utter:
* Around a month-and-a-half ago I began adding movies to my Letterboxd Watchlist from 90 pages I have written out. I currently am through 70. * I am considering changing my plan on Weebly. Currently, I am on the free plan. I am worried that I might be using up all my storage space, while if I pay money it’s unlimited. Plus, I can post videos without going through YouTube first, the site will have a search engine (which means I won’t have to fret about The Directory page), and I might have more reign to try new things. * I want to be able to kiss and love Styna so badly. She doesn’t feel anything for me, but the connection with her has always made me feel like we’re supposed to be partners. Now everything is done with her boyfriend, and I make her uncomfortable. I wish I was able to let these feelings out that I have had for a long time, but now I never will. She is the most beautiful person in the world to me, the person I love, and I’ll never be able to show it or be one with her. She is my love, yet now I am not the one who is allowed to love her. Whatever happened to our forever? Styna is wife material. She will never love me back, though, because I’m damaged and not getting better. I won’t end up with the person I love.
Dang it. I’m in bed, it’s 5:30 in the morning, and now my mind is writing a song. Why doesn’t this sort of thing ever happen at a better time for me?
I said I was going to write a poem per day in my notebook. Well, I haven’t been up to doing it every day. I have five pieces of poetry down so far, but each one is a page long, so maybe that somehow makes up for it? I aim to make them short. Except...writing things that are short just isn’t me.
For those new who come across this, I am 21 years old, 22 next month, and I have years of emotional trauma that makes up a majority of my lifetime. For over a year, I have been going through a situation, and this isn’t going to end well for me. This journey called life has been hard on me. ...I fell in love, but she is going to be with someone else who makes her happy. My journey is painful, and I don’t remember the last time I didn’t feel alone. There can only be more road and trials to travel. There always is.
There is nothing that can comfort anymore. Styna doesn’t love me back, and this world is all uncertainty. If my heart had strings, some have just snapped. People leave and abandon me. I put my heart into something, and my feelings can’t promise certainty. She is leaving, and there is no future between us; this is another unfixable mess in my timeline. I feel like there will never be enough good in life to counteract the bad. I don’t make Styna happy.
Styna and her boyfriend did a stream together. My mind has had some spasms. My world is now disjointed, and I can’t see. Pain every day, and now it’s my reality; there is no hope for the future if there is nothing to look forward to in it. I can’t think of a single thing that I want in life now. Love was what I had gotten down to, and that feels unrealistic and poisoned.
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AuthorI have mental health problems and have had a lot of traumatic things happen in my life. If anyone cares to read...here you go, and hopefully it will help some people not feel alone. Archives
April 2024
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