It’s not just an appreciation of Styna and wanting to take care of her. There’s also the sense of wanting to nourish the connection I feel with her. You know, to strengthen this bond and for us to become close and more deeply love and appreciate each other. What I feel, though, is something that I want to do for the rest of my life, becoming more and more intimate with her. She is full of life, and when I feel things are good between us I feel like I can appreciate life more and see all its beauty and opportunities. Styna is always the one who stands out the most to me among the beauty. To be able to take her hand and look into her eyes...that is such a powerful thought to me. I am always worried about never feeling a connection with anybody, but with her I feel like there is something pulling me and things will click. There’s this wholeness, and wanting to try new things, do better in everything, doing a sort of shuffle with her and not caring what it looks like to others.
My love for her is constant, and I keep wanting to take it into the real world and making it a part of life. More than loving my own feelings, it’s loving the person I feel these things for. I am an individual, not much of a group person; she is the person I feel like partnering with, to be able to lower my shields and let my heart finally rule alongside my mind. And those to be with hers.
This is more than just the words I put here; I’m trying to make these feelings into words, but the way I word things only goes so far. Even though there’s a wall between us, it’s not enough to make me stop thinking about her and feeling a great warmth inside. She’s leaving me behind, yet I can’t stop loving her. If I’m a nut, have I cracked? I don’t feel like I have, but the rational part of my brain doesn’t understand.