I don't know if it's something wrong with me, but there is this heightened feeling within me now of wanting to love and be loved, to be in an intimate, committed relationship. I don't feel like anyone could ever have these feelings about me. Because I have been committed to Styna for so long, I only think about her. I have been trying to avoid masturbation as much as possible, but now it's like there are these waves that come where I want to tell her how much I love her and then actually do it. She doesn't love me, and she loves someone else, but that doesn't stop me. I keep wanting for us to be in each other's arms and to hold each other tight. She wants to be with her boyfriend and love him so much, and at times it becomes the same way for me toward her. This stuff chemically inside me probably bothers her too, and it might have hurt her before. Sometimes I wonder if it all was able to be released just once if all of it would calm down and become more domesticated. It's not like craving a one-time fling sort of thing, then being content and moving on from her. I don't think of her as an object; I really do love her, but this other stuff can get strong too. For all I know it's something I inherited from my dad, as he had weird mental and emotional chemical problems too. And not only is she in a relationship with the person she wants to be with forever, I am probably still a stranger to her that makes her uncomfortable. There is no happy ending for me with all of this; even after all this time, I'm still strongly drawn to her and want to commit myself to her for the rest of my life. I would gladly cross an ocean for her; last November or so I even started thinking about how I could save up money to take a plane to see her, until at the beginning of December she threatened with the police. It's not just a physical love. I love her mind, her personality, her spirit, and all these different parts of her. But since she doesn't want anything to do with me, I wish I knew what to do about myself.
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AuthorI have mental health problems and have had a lot of traumatic things happen in my life. If anyone cares to read...here you go, and hopefully it will help some people not feel alone. Archives
April 2024
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