I keep accidentally hurting her, and she keeps accidentally hurting me; that's one of the costs of radio silence, I guess. Something about my writing, or maybe it's the content or purpose of my writing, bothers her. She has stressed how special the relationship with her boyfriend is and how he won't hurt her and she can trust him; after all the months I spent trying to figure out what was going wrong between us and correct them, this gives more sting. And then there are little nuances, or things she says. If non-chronically ill people don't invite her to things, how is it that I said she was welcome to come last Thanksgiving? If she were to visit, I'd even give her my bed and sleep on the floor.
The excitement she has to see her boyfriend reminds me of the one I had last August-early October when I thought she might come for my birthday. Throughout all these months, even the times she she showed anger at me, I still wanted to be with her very much, and I would light up every time I saw her face online. Now it's hard for me to tune into her streams because the happiness and excitement she has is something I have always failed at giving her regarding anything. I'm not allowed to be anything to her. And it's like I don't exist and never did. When she used to write poetry about me, it was only because she accused me of breaking her heart. All I know is that for 11 months I have tried my best to work through this situation; my best was nowhere good enough. "I can't be that for you," was what she once told me. She said it was because she didn't have the energy for romantic experimentation, but it must have been because she had already found the person she wanted to be with. I'm still in the position to want to have a relationship with her, because I do still have feelings for her. I don't say that to tear apart or cause hurt; when I say I love her, it's the truth. This is despite the fact that there is no longer any water in our well. It's like there is a huge mound of emptiness between us; it doesn't mean that my feelings for her disappear, but it does make it easier for her to focus on what she really wants.
I once was tired, but now I'm numb. I'm the person who never existed, and for her it's now the exciting forward march. For the things she's aiming for, she doesn't even want me in her corner to support or cheer her on. My feelings only bother her, and if I put things into words I hurt her.
In case this post sounds angry, that wasn't the tone I wrote in. This is a case of "it is what it is", but one that still hasn't stopped bothering me. Even after all this time, I still make her uncomfortable and she feels she can't trust me. Well....with a face like this, I guess, who would?