I'm here, then, thinking and feeling. I'm about the forward motion. The question buzzing in my head: What now? There's nothing I can do about this situation or my position. I desire to act on the love I have for Styna, but this is not allowed. It's the same script day in and day out. I love Styna, feel compelled from deep inside me to commit myself to her forever, but tough love. I'm tired of being alone, but I can't do anything about that. As years pass, I also find it harder for me to find avenues that will spring me to life and fill with me passion and fire. The thought of love always does this. I am committed to a person I can't love, so instead of igniting I am tired, uninspired, and just drifting. Back when there was hope, I had the thought every day that if Styna and I were together I would kiss and tell her every day that I love her. I would have felt honored to stand by her and cherish every moment we shared. Our love would have been my fuel, drive, and inspiration, and caring for her what I would live for. Anything else I would grow to be or stand and support would follow from the initial spark.
How do I honor my love when it's not shared? How I do stand by and support the person I love without actually being there? And will my love ever be free?
Though I am hurt and am in pain, the person Styna loves was also in pain. A while back they were seeing each other, and then out of the blue she told him that she no longer felt love for him in that way anymore. For over nine months after, he continued to be her friend while being depressed. She loved him too, so now they're together. The person she visited a few months back who loves her, her "partner", she will be moving in with. That leaves me. Styna has expressed that I make her uncomfortable and that she has no feelings for me. All the same, this experience has been harsh and I do really love her. The ball was never in my court, and it was a game of confusion. I was never able to prove myself to her, instead being labeled a threat. I'm not allowed anywhere in her world, even though she is one of the most important people in the world to me. I respect her and want to treat her with respect. I feel only good things toward her, but that's never any good. She is the person I love. For months, she has been the person I felt like sharing my "forever" with.
I think every day. I love her every day. Is this supposed to end? Is the strength of one man's love to be held true and honored either? Or are my feelings the problem of everyone?