Do I have feelings for Ms. Mulaney? Yes. Is she essential for my continued existence? No. This is not meant to sound harsh; the picture is broader. I would love very much to have her as a part of my life, and me in hers. The pain of my position and the lack of communication also can bother me off and on.
Here's a difference between me and her: She lives alone, beside from a few pets. Her conditions make life harder for her. Being alone bothers her, and she likes to date and be in relationships. She uses magic over long periods of time to feel the presence of a potential partner.
Let's look at my life. I have a cat, but I also live with two other family members, so I'm not always completely alone. When they are around, they also tend to dominate what's going on. I don't have a bunch of chronic illnesses that become a preoccupation in my day. However, when they are not around, and I am truly alone, I am not bothered. That is because my entire life I have been used to feeling alone. A couple times in the past they have left me alone with the cat for a few days; it felt strange, but my existence of what I was going to do in a day didn't depend on them. I am used to being in my room for hours, watching movies and doing documents. In the past, if I wasn't watching something, then I was reading something. I am the one who keeps that whole ball rolling. I'm the one who keeps tracks of the movies that are coming out and bothers my mom to take us to the theater; if I didn't, it is likely that I would rarely leave the apartment. They don't come up to me asking to watch something; I have to go to them and pester for days on end about a specific show or movie I know about so that I have a chance to not watch something alone.
Over time, being completely alone would probably drive me insane, as I am used to the stress, volume, and dysfunction family brings. Being alone, though, I am used to. If I look at myself and my life, it is easy to imagine that I might end up spending the rest of my life alone. I haven't needed other people's company to go about life. So much of my day is spent inside my head; I have conversations with myself without even noticing it. Socially, I have had to become self-reliant.
"Out of sight, out of mind." This is one of the most important things to remember about the human condition, and it can be applied to so many things. In my case, since I have my own company, if there aren't people nearby me, then it is very easy for them to slip out of my mind and for me to only concentrate on what I am going to do.
Now, say Ms. Mulaney uses magic to feel my company. She can feel me, but I can't feel her. She doesn't communicate with me, and what she puts out in a day is limited. So she is not out of mind, it is a part of my day to go to her social media profiles and check for updates. If I don't, then her existence disappears from me. Yes, often there are times where I just start thinking about and have feelings for her, but there have been other people, places, and things in my life that I have cared about that have been away from me, and I can forget all about them unless my mind is drawn to thinking about them. I have no idea what Ms. Mulaney experiences when she uses magic on other people, but it is very possible that the way I live isn't very good company for her unless she either contacts me or makes her presence more known.
If she has ever worried about how much she means to me, that is something to talk about. For anyone who isn't in my life, it is very difficult to feel a part of my life. She could never contact me, and my life would continue on the same. I am used to feeling alone and never having a partner. By reaching out to me, however, she then enters my bubble. I do have feelings for her, I do care about her, and I would like for her to be a part of my life. I am even open to her becoming a very big part of my life, maybe even marriage someday. I can't be expected to be good company for her and make her a big part of my actual life unless she was to try to reach out, though. She never talks to me, and she's never around. She has even told me that she doesn't have feelings for me and doesn't want anything to do with me. If she ever wanted something with me, silence and secrecy would never work. Upon her reaching out, I would gladly take her hand and try to integrate her into my world. Because she hasn't tried very hard for me, she is somewhere far beyond my world.
The reason why she hasn't been completely tuned out is because of me. For months, I made the effort of messaging her every day. I still continue to check in on her and such like. I can have feelings for her, but that isn't enough to make anything move or happen. Not only have I wondered if I'll be alone my entire life, I have also been confused about who I would even spend my life with if I did the opposite, if I could ever be part of a partnership and not just an independent unit. Well, I found the person I am willing to open myself up to, to make a part of my world if she wanted me to and had similar feelings for me. I would love to know what that feels like, to be in a partnership with her, to someday even spend our lives together. I can see it happening, and inside it makes me feel happy and at peace. But it will never happen if things continue as they are. Ms. Mulaney has all the power over this situation; there's not a single thing I can do. I continue to be open to her, to see how she's doing, take time for her to be a part of my life a teeny bit each day, to have feelings for her. Interaction and communication is what is needed to build on my commitment and make it visible and more potent. I rarely know what is going on behind the scenes with her, so I can't help with whatever problems or troubles she comes across.
I still love her. But a relationship takes the work of both individuals in order to exist. I'm already committed, despite nothing coming from that commitment. Unless I am given a boost or a hint, there is nothing more that I can do than I am already. *sigh*