I don’t get out and spend time mainly in my bedroom or the bathroom. There is no social safety net. The past year I have been doing the same things, and at the beginning of this new phase I have fewer things to work on. It’s like life is torture at times.
My self-esteem is kaput. I hate myself so much. Then whenever I think of how the person I love has treated me, it gets worse. What kind of shit am I, and how did it come to this? I committed myself to her and loved her, but it didn’t mean a thing to her because of how worthless and disposable I am. I only hurt the person I love, and I didn’t know when I was doing it. It’s this feeling like wanting to stab myself with a knife and cut everything out of me. Every year I’m more and more nothing.