When I type, I tend to leave things out. This is either because I overlooked mentioning something, or as one of my college English instructors noticed, I feel like something is "inessential" or "derivative" to put. I am now viewing it as a communication error. For people who might be sensitive to what you're saying, this could be a problem. This is where direct communication helps, so the other person can input a thought and see whether you verify it or not with something along the lines of "that as well" or "oh...that's something I didn't think of", or something like that. This problem can have extensive consequences between two or more people over time.
Another problem I have is random things can go through my head. If I am staring off into space after thinking about someone, a word like "bitch" might move through my head. The reason is not that I think of the person as a "bitch", but because I take in things from my surroundings and they process into my mind differently. It could be that when I hear my brother calling my mom a "bitch" one of his many times, the word went into my unconscious and lingered until it surfaced at some odd time. Even if I am thinking about something, when I am tired my logic might falter for a second and something might go through my head that doesn't fit with what I really feel. I have these mental tiredness things sometimes often.
Now, the zodiac sign attached to me, Libra, is the cardinal sign of the air, ideas, logic, balance. Say the zodiac signs really do apply to people, or they do so at various levels (some people more extensively than others). Think on this: I am Libra, and I have ASD. If I am really like a Libra, how might the Libra and the ASD affect each other? Well, the ASD can make it harder for me to understand how other people's minds or ways of thinking work. If there is someone who's way of thinking is different from mine, it could be very hard for me to see from that person's point of view. Or, I could logically try to understand the person, but I don't feel what the other person is feeling when I come to that logic. I can assume an emotion a person might be feeling, but I can't feel it as well. However, there is something that can get around this: the person's testimony. When I think of someone else's emotions, I am thinking and not feeling. If I am trying to figure out what is going on with somebody, I am thinking and not feeling. If a person describes their experience, however, I can feel instead of think. Not knowing what is going on with someone can be a big problem for me, as then I am feeling only what I feel while using logic to figure someone else's problems out.
Libra seeks a mental connection. Cancer seeks an emotional connection. Once they find that with somebody, as the connection between them grows stronger they can feel the other type of connection as well. I feel a connection with Ms. Mulaney, but it is not the connection she wants. The longer I am held away, the more upset she becomes with me, the more the emotional connection I used to feel toward her months ago fades. I still have the mental connection, which is enough for me to start a relationship. If she has a grudge against me, though, pertaining to all the times I have accidentally hurt her, the more she is going to turn me off. Whenever I hold a grudge, it is rare, and it is extremely short-lived. It doesn't make sense to the way my brain works. It can make sense to another person, but if someone is upset with me and doesn't try to communicate, there is nothing I can do. I can't learn, I can't feel for what the person is going through, and the cycle continues.
Ms. Mulaney has expressed that with other people she has dated, they end up leaving either because of the nature of how the relationship goes about or her illnesses turn them away. This type of behavior can become self-sabotaging after a while. How do I know that? I have an adopted brother with severe trauma from his childhood. For years, whenever something good would happen for him, such as being able to see his biological brother, or his birthday came around, or school let out early, or even something simple like he was able to have his favorite snack, he would then sabotage the good feeling he was having. In the brain, you know all this bad stuff has happened to you, and over time it can feel like you don't deserve anything good. One of his troubles is reactive attachment disorder. Even today he still identifies his adopted mom with his biological mother. He still craves the affection of his biological mother, wonders what would have happened if things had turned out differently, but also is angry that it was taken away from him. That anger is then directed at his adopted mom.
Now, Ms. Mulaney doesn't have reactive attachment disorder, but she does have trauma from past relationships, mental health problems of her own, is demisexual (which can make feeling an attraction or connection with other people difficult), and as a Cancer has her own unique, individual thought process. I don't pretend to know her thought process. Because other people have done wrong things to her, some of them specifically because they couldn't handle illnesses she has, she has felt like the relationships haven't turned out because of her. When it comes to the two of us, I have given her reason to be angry at me. However, I have not intended any of the harm I have caused. She might recognize this, but there is a fight inside her about how to reconcile these two. This leads to anxiety, and anxiety tends to bring up latent trauma. So if there has been a failure of connection or satisfaction between us, that trauma might say that one of us caused it. She can either self-sabotage and say her own problems were responsible for things not going okay, or she can group me in with past romantic interests who hurt her due to them being jerks.
This all goes to say that the thing is a mess. It is hard on my brain, but I have remained because of my naturally wanting to try to balance and correct things, and because of how much she and the connection between us mean to me. It is more than just about the connection. I do care about her, but it can be hard for me to feel what she is going through. It is a struggle for me too. I want to make the thing work, but I'm also scared about hurting her. I never know I am hurting her unless there is some kind of sign, and she likes to keep what she is going through under wraps (a water zodiac sign trait). I do love her, but it is only one of two connections of true love.
I hope she's doing okay. It looks like she had some medical trouble earlier. ):