My mind has clicked some more in the past four days, and emotionally I'm more tired. The situation has become more depressing to me. Even though she (I will call her Ms. Mulaney) doesn't have feelings for me, I still feel loyal to her. I'm going to become more and more alone coming up, so...there's that to look forward to. If I should "move on", I wouldn't be moving on to anything. I care about and have feelings for her, but that's not enough. Things in my life are changing, but nothing that would make me feel any different about myself or the tightening positions I am in. I stand mentally and emotionally alone, as I have always been, and it looks like I will long continue to be. With her...I was so sure that I had found a soul mate, that the future had promise and was going to be different. As I type, my future is being decided by others. It's hard for me to get work done. I'm drained, and the month of December makes things seem even more bleak. I keep thinking back to Ms. Mulaney, and I wonder why I keep having feelings for her despite the things that block my way. I feel like I'm hers, even though she doesn't want me. If she had feelings for me too, I would be so happy. I want to embrace her and show how grateful I am that she exists. I can't do anything about anything, and I'm stuck. ...Yeah. I'm too tired to type on.
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AuthorI have mental health problems and have had a lot of traumatic things happen in my life. If anyone cares to read...here you go, and hopefully it will help some people not feel alone. Archives
April 2024
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