First, there is something to address: Do I like Ms. Mulaney, or do I love her? Months ago, it was a question of love vs. infatuation. Time to put on the thinking cap again.
Source for chart
But what is strengthening: liking Ms. Mulaney, or loving her?
Some facts should be stated upfront, which will affect things.
* She and I have had minimal contact (talking) with each other, so there has also been less interaction.
* I don't know absolutely every heckin' thing about her that I might consider negative or positive.
* I am lonely and have never been in a relationship before.
Just like last time, there is both "liking" and "loving" Ms. Mulaney in what I feel. I also read somewhere a while ago that love isn't a feeling, but a state. Feelings change, but love continues despite what one feels.
For a while now, I have been both attracted to and feel an attachment to her. Do I feel like our connection is in the best state it could be in right now? No. However, it has lasted through a lot. I would like to "develop" things, but that was always put off because of the lack of communication. Do I care about her? Absolutely. And it is unconditional, with me even wanting to care for her. There has been no phone contact, but I did used to message her with no responses when things were new and infatuation was involved.
I don't want the "'I love you.' 'No I love YOU!'" stuff as much as I did months ago. I do want to spend the rest of my life with her, to be happy, to be with and for her as she faces what lies ahead, as well as wanting her to be an integrated part of my life; in essence, grow old together. Ms. Mulaney has gone from "potential" partner to "potential life companion," the word "potential" being used because nothing has taken off between us. Would I love for her to be my life companion? YES. 0_0
For the past couple months, I have been scared of having my heart broken. She has a partner, and since there is no contact between us, that means I am disposable in her life. I'm still afraid that no bridge will ever come connecting us, as will as being afraid that there might be a brief bridge where she comes over and says, "I love you, but I'm sorry, I have to say goodbye."
I don't know if there are potential "deal breakers," since I don't know everything about her. Even if there were things I wasn't happy about pertaining to her, I'm still going to feel like she's The One. In a video, she one said that her illnesses result in "gross side effects." In a worst-case scenario, where she is stinky and dirty all the time, I still am going to have feelings for who she is on the inside. I don't often swear, but she swears a lot; that hasn't pushed me away after eight months. She has a background in smoking pot or something or other like that (I don't know the difference between all the different drugs), and I was raised to think bad things about people like that; yet what I feel for her still remains unconditional.
The more I learn about things, or have a doorway to look into them, the more open-minded and accepting I become. It's a part of who I am. I remember growing up with my mom warning me that witches were really out there and to stay far away from them, as they were followers of the devil. Guess what? Ms. Mulaney is a witch. She's also a part of the LGBTQ+ community, which I was firmly against (just like the community around me) until my late years in high school, when I learned of how badly mistreated individuals in it have been, and the community started gaining more of a human face. If you educate me on things, I take those things on and adapt to reflect them.
I have no problem with who Ms. Mulaney is. Her differences also make her feel more special to me, and I want to embrace them. The fact that I have been around for over eight months and still feel drawn to her, after all the stuff that's happened, I think, says something about the legitimacy of what I feel. Do I have feelings for her just because there are differences? No. First and foremost, I am drawn to her heart. If she was heartless, everything else would quickly fall apart. You add on all these other layers to who she is as a person, give me some time, and I can't imagine leaving her or wanting a life with anyone else. The attachment is snug, there is history between us, and I continue to want to date and eventually marry her.
However, she does have a partner, and in the past I unintentionally hurt her. I might not have any chances left to do things differently and make a potential relationship healthy. I do want to love her, and I do want to be with her. For the parts between us that haven't developed, I like her, and for the parts that have, I love her. I'm not going to run out on her. I don't know what's possible anymore, though, you know?