It's like there is nothing that can make me feel good. It's like one mental health aneurysm after another. I feel like this is the closest I have ever gotten to wanting to kill myself. In the state I'm in, I feel like the human race has no reason to exist. I feel like people can't really love or care about each other, that the word "friend" is an empty word. I want connection with people, but it is always taken from me. Noone wants anything to do with me because I am emotion and nothing clicks. I can't have friends, I can't have partnerships, or relationships, or anything. I'm too sick and messed up to mean anything, and my life has no meaning beyond the trial after trial that keeps hitting me. All I can see is the stuff society never fixes and every little wrong done to me or others stings. People can even talk of the power of love over hate, but love by itself means nothing. I can feel a connection and love, but it doesn't mean a thing if noone else accepts it. My passions die because of the world around me. And empathy isn't real either, or otherwise people would really feel and know what others are going through. I have tried for many people to be there for them, but they can't be there for me. People don't reach out, and I never feel like I have the reigns of my life. For Styna, I feel like I only interested her when she thought I might be relationship material. She now has the person she wanted all along. All she can see me as is a threat and mistake now, and since she has worked so hard to hold me away and wants nothing else with or from me, I am the most disposable person in her life, regardless of how much she means to me or how much I really love and care about her. I am a reflection to her of a messed-up past and can only be a sign of pain, as she never wanted my symbol of support. There is not a single thing my love can do because it no longer has worth or market value; it is reduced to a value system, and my heart and person with it. My love only means something to me, and while in these mental health and emotional throes of pain, it no longer promises happiness, purpose, or security, but loss on a bigger scale. If my life means anything only because of its inherent value, then nothing I do matters, and I can only be happy that I exist, even if it is an unhappy one.
I think I've hit a type of depression I have never had before. Nothing, absolutely nothing makes me feel good about myself. I can't anymore distract myself with the hobbies of doing documents and watching movies to make myself feel a bit of accomplishment or satisfaction; I can do them, but it doesn't help me like it used to do when I had depressive episodes. I want to do something to change my life, but I have no ideas. I can't think of anything I want to do. I can't think of anything that is worth doing. It's like a migraine has gone to my mind and heart; I can't focus on anything else but how much I hate it, and it's like the migraine is a part of me. So many more things than normal are bothering me, and they make me feel sicker. Shopping for DVDs also gave me a little thrill, but after I get them now I feel like I made the problem even bigger.
It's like there is nothing that can make me feel good. It's like one mental health aneurysm after another. I feel like this is the closest I have ever gotten to wanting to kill myself. In the state I'm in, I feel like the human race has no reason to exist. I feel like people can't really love or care about each other, that the word "friend" is an empty word. I want connection with people, but it is always taken from me. Noone wants anything to do with me because I am emotion and nothing clicks. I can't have friends, I can't have partnerships, or relationships, or anything. I'm too sick and messed up to mean anything, and my life has no meaning beyond the trial after trial that keeps hitting me. All I can see is the stuff society never fixes and every little wrong done to me or others stings. People can even talk of the power of love over hate, but love by itself means nothing. I can feel a connection and love, but it doesn't mean a thing if noone else accepts it. My passions die because of the world around me. And empathy isn't real either, or otherwise people would really feel and know what others are going through. I have tried for many people to be there for them, but they can't be there for me. People don't reach out, and I never feel like I have the reigns of my life. For Styna, I feel like I only interested her when she thought I might be relationship material. She now has the person she wanted all along. All she can see me as is a threat and mistake now, and since she has worked so hard to hold me away and wants nothing else with or from me, I am the most disposable person in her life, regardless of how much she means to me or how much I really love and care about her. I am a reflection to her of a messed-up past and can only be a sign of pain, as she never wanted my symbol of support. There is not a single thing my love can do because it no longer has worth or market value; it is reduced to a value system, and my heart and person with it. My love only means something to me, and while in these mental health and emotional throes of pain, it no longer promises happiness, purpose, or security, but loss on a bigger scale. If my life means anything only because of its inherent value, then nothing I do matters, and I can only be happy that I exist, even if it is an unhappy one.
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AuthorI have mental health problems and have had a lot of traumatic things happen in my life. If anyone cares to read...here you go, and hopefully it will help some people not feel alone. Archives
April 2024
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