When my Twitter account was blocked, it maybe was a preemptive thing to make sure I couldn't message her there. I wasn't planning to message her on Twitter; I would only have interacted with her account with hearts or comments if she had given me permission to, to be "friendly on social media," as she once told me at the beginning of August. It's the reason why I haven't messaged her with my new Instagram account either.
I haven't looked at any of Ms. Mulaney's stuff in four days or so now. Two things are clear: I have hurt her, and I have made her extremely uncomfortable. Neither of those were intentional, but they still happened. If there had been more interaction between us, it probably would have helped matters considerably, but I created the problem: I just kept talking, not knowing how to stop, and so I jeopardized the whole situation. Having anything to do with me stirs up pain again, plus I don't always know when I am making things worse, causing even more discomfort. Even thinking or knowing that I am there, looking at her posts, might make social media an uneasy thing for her. It bothers me so much not looking at her stuff, but I don't want to harm her anymore, so I'm allowing her to roam free by me not looking.
Ms. Mulaney could also be worried that if I message her, telling her that I know she's reading and understand some of how I have hurt her, wondering if we could ever be friends or friendly with each other someday, that she would be put in an uncomfortable spot where I have some kind of control over the situation and she won't be able to move away from the hurt and discomfort that has been growing for her over the months. That's why I haven't sent a message to her through e-mail. She is an independent, free-spirited woman, and, possibly because of some factors in her past and things she has to deal with on a day-to-day basis, she wants to have much control of her own life as possible. It would be selfish of me to hurt her, cause discomfort, and grab ahold of her independence and plans in some way due to the feelings I have for her. Whether I am in love with her or not, I do at least like and care about her. I still feel pulled to her and want to see if a relationship or anything is possible someday, but I can't meddle by asking for anything. If we were friends, and the friendship proved hard for her, what kind of friendship is that?! I can hope that someday she'll reach out to me, saying we can at least be friendly toward each other, but I can't force her to do it, and any interaction with me might always only cause past hurt to resurface for her. Because I care and have feelings for her, I have to try to stay away. She is one of the most beautiful and wonderful people I have ever come across, and I don't want to hurt her or make her uncomfortable ever again.