I have been thinking about the situation more. First, I would like to say it has left me tired. Next: I have been wondering for the past month if I have been infatuated or have been in love, as my emotions are a confusing thing to me. I have had a chart to go on, but I have overthought things (as I tend to do). I decided to look a little bit more on information pertaining to this, to see if I can get some clarity.
It's a mix for me. I started off finding someone who I like, and then I got in over my head after I found some coincidences. I got so excited, and anxiety worked on me, that I rushed into wanting some kind of close association. I found out more about Ms. Mulaney, I liked her more and more, and because I came to like her so much I thought I was falling in love.
I got to stick up for myself in some ways, though: My rushing in did not start off as pure infatuation. I was well aware to keep analyzing things, realize nobody is perfect, etc. However, after about a month, when it looked like she might be interested in me, I became reckless, and with school starting up again, things became complicated for me to work out. I had developed the beginnings of some actual feelings for her, but because I didn't step back and take more time, I accelerated into infatuation, which is what I feel really blew things up. I kept trying to grab control of the situation again and reign it in, but my emotions and mind kept making things worse.
I am tired because of all the things going on in my life, plus fatigue is one thing that follows infatuation. However...now that things are settling down, she has said she doesn't have feelings for me, and ways of contact are wildly decreased, what do I feel now?
Well...it's kind of hard to say. I know I at least still like her. I still want to have a relationship with her, but the thought isn't taking up my life as much as it was. In the direct aftermath of her message to me, at first I was wanting to at least date someone, so that I could feel better about the situation. Time has gone on...I'm not desperate...I still feel like I "belong" to Ms. Mulaney, even though she has expressed that she has no feelings for me. Someday I might find someone else, but right now I'm still in this place, having feelings for someone who isn't returning them. I'll try to keep out of her way while still checking in from time to time; I'm not sure if authorities being contacted is a possibility, but I probably do make her feel uncomfortable, so I'll mind that stuff.
I do care about and at least like her; whether that "like" is actually "love", it'd probably not be best for me to speculate, because at the present moment I can't trust myself to tell the difference. I know I'm doing better, with decreasing symptoms of infatuation, but still continue to have feelings for her. One hopeful sign for me (at least for my worry about whether I am actually in love or not) is that some sites say that for a lot of people infatuation over time can become love. Since I started this thing off trying to be realistic and control myself, not just falling for Ms. Mulaney's looks, and actually caring about her, I feel better that this situation was not entirely infatuation, and that I wasn't a complete nut. Maybe...to be optimistic, but also cautious, I can say...I "might" love her. Not everything is perfect, but sites say that there is no "perfect" love or match, so maybe she could have been my soul mate after all. I mean, even after all this crud, I still have feelings for her, and I feel like, if she had feelings for me to, it could lead to something more one day. I mean, if the two of us had continued to get closer, marrying her wouldn't have been unlikely, if she felt the same. I would love to say I am committed to her and everything for the long haul, but given the status of the situation, that could be dangerous and unhealthy. Right now...I'd be lucky if I found out I could at least have any sort of contact with her, let alone be an acquaintance, friend, or something more.
I mean...are things between us impossible? I hope not, but I have to also be open to the possibility that they are. In messages I sent I said it to her often, but I meant it all the same: She is both beautiful inside and out. If not me, I hope she someday finds someone who is right for her and makes her happy, and for once in her life treats her right.