I somehow missed the fact that the 40th anniversary showing of one of my favorite films, Alien, was this past Sunday and Wednesday and not this coming Sunday and Wednesday. My day was already off to a more sensitive start, and now I feel like my day is wrecked. Heading out on a trip to see some family right now, that should make things fun.
0 Comments
It doesn’t look like people come to this website.
I keep applying for jobs, but still no luck. We sent the computer to get fixed. That’s taking longer than expected. The changing seasons are affecting my mood. My world seems to continue getting smaller. There are periods of mental health difficulties, and it’s like I’m drying up. Things with Styna and I are going nowhere. It feels like I have been shut out completely, and I fear things will never be okay between us. How things have gone is depressing. This whole year has been drawn-out and depressing. Winter Storm Warning to Advisory, and we’re back in a Warning again! Plows aren’t out yet, schools are closed, and my meeting needs to be rescheduled. Though there are still leaves on the trees, I guess autumn was short-lived after all.
The Winter Weather Warning has been changed to an Advisory. Humans have nowhere near perfected the science of meteorology.
I love Styna so much. Over time, I keep having this feeling inside of me of wanting to be with and love her forever. If I could, I would marry her. This manages to be beyond words. These feelings don’t need to be fed; they are alive on their own, and I desire to be one with her. She is the most beautiful person in the world to me; nothing even compares anymore. She doesn’t love me, but I want to cherish her for all time. It’s October 9th, and autumn is officially over. There is a Winter Storm Warning and an expected 12-18 inches of snow over the next few days. Hopefully I’ll still be able to go to the double feature showing tomorrow night, but nothing is certain.
I am feeling so hurt. Nothing I feel matters to the person I love. She doesn’t want anything to do with me. No matter what I say or do, I am the outcast who is never trusted, whose love is always a threat. At times I feel like there is a knife in my chest. How I feel about her was not considered, as she didn’t want to know me; I felt so happy before, when all kinds of things were possible between us. It’s like there’s nothing possible now l. Anything I felt she didn’t want any part of. She and her boyfriend are content and happy with each other, while all she means to me is not given so much as a passing glance. They’re happy, so it’s like I matter less now than I did before. I have loved her, but the fact I love her doesn’t guarantee happiness or acceptance. To her, the most wonderful and beautiful person in the world to me, I am as good as dead.
I still love Styna and want to marry her someday. Since she doesn’t want me, though, I am supposed to not feel this way anymore. Things change in the world around me, but my love isn’t ending.
No one might read anything I say, but I will still type this up.
My aunt found some helpers for Friday, so we might not need to go back to my grandparents for a second weekend. I have no thoughts on my birthday; by this point, I feel like I’m nobody special, and my birthdays haven’t been since I turned 6. I am depressed. I love Styna, but I’m not going to end up being with her. Even if she hates me, I still love her. I still feel like I want to spend the rest of my life with her. The world is still. Right now I’m not doing so good. I feel like Styna might secretly hate me, and the new analytics say no one (visitors or regulars) is looking at this website, or has for quite some time. Am I that toxic and worthless?
|
AuthorI have mental health problems and have had a lot of traumatic things happen in my life. If anyone cares to read...here you go, and hopefully it will help some people not feel alone. Archives
April 2024
Categories |