She never knew me. I have poured out my heart in Tweets nearly every day, gone through different kinds of pain, and she still never knew me. For the first time in years, I was able to hope and believe in something. I had so many trains of thought, so many ideas, so many hopes. She never even "liked" me, only wanted to be rid of me. If she cares about me, it is while holding me at a distance away. Now all the love I thought came from her is gone. I have loved her every day, and wanted to shout out every day that I love her. She thought my love was fake. I would gladly have worked toward figuring out how to cross oceans for her. The distance people put between me and them makes me feel unloved, unwanted. I keep feeling more unloved. I don't even feel like I can be loved. How do I even know whether I can trust anybody, when every person I have known has always let me down, hurt me, or turned away? I feel like everybody will hurt me, and noone would ever do for me what I would be willing to do for them. A person can emptily tell me I will find love, but in my heart I don't feel like it is possible.
Styna's words have group by group come to not be about me. Even stuff all the way back from last September, such as a song she wrote, probably had nothing to do with me, but instead her boyfriend. Even if she never was planning on being in a relationship with me, I thought she would cross an ocean to be with me too out of at least a strong bond or connection/platonic love. When she talked about a "platonic soulmate", she wasn't referring to me either. All this time, she never had any intention of letting me be a part of her world because she could never find it in herself to love me. One quote remains in my head, where she said she would be with someone through every cold night and set her body on fire to keep them warm. That was the quote that gave me the most hope that she loved me. It maybe doesn't have to do with me either. When she said she was going to risk her health for love, I wasn't that love. All my feelings have been real, but the rest of the past year has been a fake. She never wanted to be my friend or companion, no matter how much I have loved her and waited. Time will pass, and she will have forgotten me and anything she might have ever felt. I am alone, friendless, heartbroken, hurting, and that's all there has ever been. I can't hope for a better future. because it was never meant for me. I can't even be friends with the person I love because to live her life she feels she has to be rid of me. Why is my heart never enough?