I don't think anyone has ever understood how much I like her, of how much hope I had. The person I talk to, who considers himself my friend, has been gone for two days. I remember the time I spent months, almost a year, waiting for something to change between myself and someone else. That time, I could see a reason for why I was being held away; this time, I can't. Since the beginning, I have tried to stress how sincere I am in my good intentions. Holding me away, not attacking, and not contacting authorities sooner may be regarded as being kind and generous to me. But I'm not normal. When I give my heart to someone, it's because I genuinely care about and try to trust that person. If she doesn't love me, that doesn't mean there can't be any connection between us. I have been called a "fixer", as in I work to make things better. I work on fixing those things I care about. People believe that some things can never be fixed, and so they take the chance away from me to do it. This situation is fixable, but noone has faith in what I feel or can do. I care. And when I care, I carry that with me. My heart is in its place, and I am called mentally ill for holding on to what I believe in. I'm not going to allow this thing to ruin my life. But I can't forget what I feel, and that I care. To those who think or see that I suffer: I'm doing my best to make good endings to such things possible. If the doors don't open, that's not my fault, and I shouldn't be accused of delirium for wanting them open if I have something to offer. For in whatever ways we can, people should make situations better for all and things that are cared about to be honored. I honor what I care about. By sharing, I am honoring myself, all you others, and the one I have feelings for. So do the clouds of winter shine.
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Would it be wrong for me to ask if friendship is possible? And if I ask...there might be no reply. Or I could be punished for sending a message. I wish I had some security regarding this.
I don't know what the right thing to do in this situation is. I don't know if I can trust others, I don't know if I can trust myself...
I want to be able to be her friend, but is right now the wrong time to try sending a message? Would there even be a correct time? I wish I knew all the things I have done that have made her uncomfortable. By looking at her stuff, I don't mean to make her uncomfortable, either. She doesn't love me, but does she care about me in any way? If she did, would she know what I am going through? If she knew what I am going through, would that still make everything uncomfortable? Are she or her friends angry at me? A person I know has talked with one of her friends, but there seems to have been a lot of arguing; I don't have any knowledge of the truth about these talks, but what I've been told is that my friend has had to defend me a lot. I don't know what about. I wish I knew how to control my image better, and let my intentions better show. I don't know if I have made her so uncomfortable that nothing, no sort of connection between us, will ever be possible. Different mental health things come out of the blue every once in a while, and I keep trying to fight them back. There are things that I also don't have knowledge about, whether things inside are good or bad, what things are good or bad, and it all tends to be a mess. I also have a couple thoughts going through my head about what could be going on, but I don't know if I am creating some kind of fantasy to help me deal with what I'm going through. I don't even know what I should want, what would be right for me to think. All I know is that I care, but my mental health keeps asking me: Really? What is there to care about? I have a heart and a smart mind (or at least that's what I've told), but they can also tend to be a mess. I wish I knew how to execute all these things better, and what it means to be more than my loneliness. There are so many things I have to go through in my head now to see if they're good or not, and it is easy to slip up, because it's a lot for me to juggle. I don't know. I wish I knew the correct path. For the thing about trying to send a message sometime asking if I could have some other chance with a connection of some kind (maybe someday friendship) while avoiding anything that would make her uncomfortable, I still don't know if I should do it or not. There are many things that could go wrong: The message might not reach its destination. If it reaches its destination, the person it is intended for might choose not to read it. If she does, she said that she won't reply to things. Plus she might want so little to do with me that the idea is automatically rejected, despite my best intentions. Plus...there's the possibility that authorities will be contacted because I sent her the message.
In this situation, there is so much frustration, sadness, hope, mystery, yet still heart. Because of what has happened, in the past I have been met with a more mature form of hostility. I am a person of good intentions, but it can appear to some others online that I am being manipulative. I try to wear my heart on my sleeve. I don't want fights, and I don't want anything to be given to me unfairly. I don't know how to let things go when they are on such hurt and inflamed grounds. But of course...if they weren't, wouldn't I only have hope, and be unable to let go because of optimism? I care, and I want what's best, but I'm extremely bothered. I don't mean to be selfish and make someone else feel more uncomfortable because of what I am going through. I want to fight for what I believe in, though. My head tells me this is stupid and this is going to damage my life, but my heart (or maybe it's my illness) says that if I don't try, then I have failed myself. I do feel like fighting to win or conquer, whatever those would mean. I have made mistakes, but I do care, and if I don't stand strong with a final plea, then what happened before will probably happen again. She doesn't need my friendship, she probably doesn't want my friendship...but all I have ever wanted was to be the best whatever I could be for her, and I messed that all up. If I say what I feel with my intentions showing forth in how they are shown, and I am not able to have some kind of chance of starting over...then yes, I'll be sad, and I'm pretty much alone in this. I don't know what will happen. My feelings are real, too. I don't want to upset or make her uncomfortable ever again. God, if you're listening, please help me, with whatever be. Mental Rant: When You Are Able To Do Nothing About the Things you Care About, the Ones You Love12/12/2018 Feeling the December blues.
Feeling like I have no control over anything, in many different areas of my life. And remembering another sad situation from the past, when I was left alone and not allowed to be anything to someone I cared about. And then the months that passed, where I stuck around online just in case the person came back, with other people drifting away from me because they couldn't get me out of my funk. And I kept hoping that something would change, that reality would see what I was going through and allow some kind of concession. Instead, one day, months later, on the person's profile description, possibly to me: "What you are feeling's okay. But it's never gonna change anyway ¯\_(ツ)_/¯" Then the hope disappeared, but I still missed her, and I occasionally checked into those things I could (as I was blocked) to see how things were going. 10 months of silence passed, and then her profile was gone. And two years later, I still miss her. Here, I've messed up again, but in a situation where I had real hope. I'm not allowed to be anything to this person I care about either. I'm not supposed to look at anything related to her (as everything about me apparently makes her uncomfortable), under penalty of the authorities getting involved. But yet...for some reason, I can't seem able to say goodbye this time either. I look at her stuff less in a day than I used to (mostly to see if there are updates, as I am impulsive and will refresh all kinds of website pages or go over things on some websites over and over again), but I still feel an incredible sense of loss, even though the two of us didn't really talk with each other ever. Sometimes there's a sick feeling, that I'm not allowed to show anything that I feel, my caring feelings unwanted. All I have is my loneliness and a pile of mistakes, missing somebody I never even had the opportunity to form a strong connection with. No matter how much I want to be able to make a change, I don't think I have the ability to. This kind of thing has never been easy for me, being in a situation where nothing can be done. This one at times really bothers me. My good intentions could never be seen, and I still have good intentions that have no outlet. And...she's so special. One of the things that is always hard for me involves my feelings, how in this world they can't affect anything, no matter how pure or strong they are. This is another time in my life where I feel things and it doesn't compute to me why my feelings aren't enough. Why is it not in my power to create positive, healthy change in this situation? Why do my intentions never measure up to meaning anything? What I end up doing is hurting and upsetting others. With all the effort I put into this situation to make it turn out different...I ended up being the reason for my own failure. And I still care about her, even though I have been told that I have to move on. Given an ultimatum that if I don't move on, I'll lose one of my friends over this. "Seriously, every single damn time you tell me you love her, I want to pull my hair out and shove it down your throat." But...I don't understand. Why am I supposed to move on? Why am I not allowed a reset button to do things right, when I actually want to correct whatever things wrong that I have done? Why is that all other people can do is fight and fear? I want to be the best friend I can be to her. The world tells me I can't. Though this video has little relevance to the situation as it stands, here is a video I recorded August 14 for her. It has been unlisted and was sent through e-mail. I don't remember everything that is in it. I still don't want the video to be public, but I'm fine with having it posted on this page. I am such a dork. lol
Today, I am debating about doing something. I feel like trying to e-mail her and say I'm okay with being just friends and doing what it takes to make sure I don't make her uncomfortable again. The trouble is, she told me to never try e-mailing her again, as I keep making her more and more uncomfortable, and that she would never respond to any messages if she got them; she would go ahead and contact authorities.
Though this is all my fault, what has happened, I have been confused all this time as to what was really going on. I have tried using my brain to understand things, but I kept getting deeper and deeper into a hole. If I had ever come up with states of unreality for what was going on, their main purpose was not to cope with rejection; I was doing my best to try to figure out the truth. Along the way, I have been lied to by more than one person (for good reasons), but those lies also excited my desire for truth. I care about her, and I'm genuinely sorry that I have hurt her. I want to be able to have some kind of connection with her, even if it never grows. I'm probably not allowed to ever have even that, though. I want to be able to try to fix things. But...is that hope stupid? Is this situation to only end in hurt and loss? It's just...the fact that I don't mean anything to her, when she means a lot to me...that whatever I do will only make her more and more uncomfortable, that we will never know each other...
I have never used my own money for somebody else before. With some of the money I was going to get from family for Christmas, I was originally planning on getting a Nightmare Before Christmas blanket and a thing of Peanut M&Ms for her for Christmas/The Holidays. I was hoping that when ordering them online I could make who they were from anonymous to her. I didn't want to upset her by getting her something, but I still felt like getting her something to show I care, even if she would never know who sent them to her. And now I'm scared of getting in trouble or of doing something that would make her be more upset and uncomfortable by me. I don't know what to do with myself and what I'm feeling a lot of times, you know? I feel so much sometimes, like right now. December is the hardest month of the year for me with feeling alone. I thought that maybe this year would be different. And all I've done is hurt someone I really care about, and there's nothing I can do to turn back time and fix what I've done. I keep hoping, and for months I kept trying my best to correct what I did wrong, only to make things worse. It's hard for me to accept that there's nothing I can do. I hate what I've done, though I don't understand fully how I have caused so much damage. And whatever I feel will never matter. I have hurt her...and by doing that, I have also hurt myself. It is all my fault. I can't take back what I've done. I never meant to hurt her. But what's done is done...and...because of myself...my friendship and connection with her is done before it even begun. ...How could I have done this? I think I drew a new connection. When I keep continuing to type, adding on notes and other topics, it reminds me of my mom when she talks at home. She'll even repeat things a few minutes later. You can tell her you're trying to concentrate on something, or that she's been monologuing for the past half hour, she'll stop, but then just a tish bit later will start right back up again.
As far as the emotional state I am in right now...I don't understand everything I'm going through. Even though the girl I keep talking about doesn't love me, I still feel like there's a connection. I feel like if I hadn't have messed up, there is the possibility that I could have been friends with her, and once we had gotten to know each other even more, it could have led to something more. Because she doesn't know me, and I'm not allowed to interact and communicate with her, there will never be Something More. Because of my mental health problems, I will never even be able to be friends with her. Even if by some miracle friendship out of the blue was offered to me, I would still think about her in closer/higher ways, and that would sabotage the friendship by making her uncomfortable. I keep thinking about girls as prospective people I could date, and I don't even know much about anybody. I have been wanting to be in a relationship so much for so long that all I can do is suppress it. And because I'm not used to having "friendships", it makes the whole thing even harder for me. If love is supposed to be gradual, how can I possibly deal with myself enough for a healthy relationship to ever come into being? Something inside keeps telling me that this is The One, but there's no hope of anything, and I can't guarantee that I would even be able to do things correctly and let things be natural. The word "possessive" involves the word "possess." By wanting to have something more with her, it becomes possessive, as the feeling is that if there was something more between us in a sense I would "possess" her. It's not "possess" as in "control", but "have" in a clingy sense. And then if she was to reject me or let me go, it would bother me immensely. Despite all the signs that show Nothing Will Ever Happen Between You Two, fighting my feelings is an uphill battle. Because of all that I have done and the state I am in, friendship between she and I will never happen. It doesn't matter how much I care about her, for as long as I would want to have something more with her than friendship it would make getting closer to me harder for her and the relationship would never be healthy and natural. It's like a curse to me. Even if I was allowed to be her friend, it would have to be all that I want. If love between us came along later, or if it didn't, the result shouldn't have to matter. But yet...I feel so much for her. It's a combination of wanting a relationship so much with desiring to be able to interact with her and share in any part of her life. If I were able to control my emotions about her, I still have wasted any chances I could possibly have had at being anything to her, of being able to share happy moments with her. I care about and like her so much, but the feeling of having a close relationship with somebody is also intense. In the philosophy class Search for Truth that I am taking, the current unit is on friendship. Today the teacher mentioned that love is an excess of friendship. He talked about how he was close friends with his wife for years, and they kept fighting to keep things platonic. In this situation, trying to be only friends is what began to tear the friendship apart. One day, out of fear of losing her and the strong connection they had, he proposed to her. My teacher said that if he hadn't have done it, his life would be dramatically different than it is today. That close friendship is the core of their relationship, and there is such an excess of it that they know they love each other. My teacher says he is constantly in a state of awe of her, but the awe comes from respect, closeness, like mind and spirit, and adoration. I have been unable to get rid of the feeling that if I was able to control my emotions this person and I would become close. I do care about and want to cheer her on, be there for her for support and to "hang out." My mental health problems make this harder for me, though, because since I haven't had a close connection with somebody it is going to be something I constantly crave. Friendship between us would never happen because of how uncomfortable I have made her, and how much this has pushed her away. There's still something inside me that keeps fighting, though, and it feels pure and strong...but it won't come to anything, and I can be so out of touch with myself that I am unable to tell what it is that this thing inside me is fighting for. It's official: I now have a Twitter account.
https://twitter.com/BleacherHarold?lang=en And considering that I upset the Rules in the first couple minutes by Following a lot of the options that the site provided for me, I'm a little scared that I could quickly run into legal trouble. |
AuthorI have mental health problems and have had a lot of traumatic things happen in my life. If anyone cares to read...here you go, and hopefully it will help some people not feel alone. Archives
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