I continue being depressed. I can’t even be friends with the person I love, and I’ll probably always be in exile. This love I have is real, and so is this heartbreak. Everything I hoped for is gone. And every day I feel the loss of a partner.
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I remember when I thought Styna wanted me around, and there was the possibility of a happy future together. Then she got upset at me, and now she’s gone. She doesn’t think I could ever make her happy, so now I no longer exist. Her boyfriend is the only one who can make her happy. Even if she knows I really do love her, that’s not enough to treat me any differently. She knows I have good intentions, but she still punishes me for what I did wrong. Now I’ll never be able to have my chance at happiness with her, because she feels that she wouldn’t be happy with me. ... I could see a future between us. My vision and love don’t seem to be enough to her, because I feel like I am being discarded. She wanted love, and I tried to give it to her. It’s like his love is better than mine, and now mine isn’t worth anything. She doesn’t like my heart. It was all I had, and I gave it to her because I thought I could trust her and we could love and be happy. But when she found out this other person liked her, she went for what she felt was better. People leave me, and I don’t know why. In this life, all I feel is alone. The person I love doesn’t even want me.
I am irritated.
I got the phone call today, and someone will be coming in Monday to have the same conversation I had last May, after which the person will look for a job for me. My mom says she’ll watch something with me, hours pass while she naps, she gets up, says she’ll be here in 10 minutes, 40 minutes passes before she shows, she then talks pretty much by herself for another 40 minutes, and then says she’s too tired to watch anything. 20 minutes later, she leaves. I’m getting the feeling Styna is never going to reach out or give me a chance. Even after all this time, she lacks confidence and trust in me. Or maybe she thinks that since she has held me away this long she mine as well move on. In my life, patience, effort, and time don’t seem to get me anywhere. And in the third situation, love doesn’t either. Strangely, I can’t get into my e-mail at the moment, and the URL is shaking a heckin lot.
I wish I could try to keep Styna company throughout the day, but I’m cut off. She misses her boyfriend at times, and I miss her. I don’t know what the future will bring, but my love is hers to have, and I’ll always be there for her. I’m thinking of taking up writing poetry again for Styna, but maybe this time around I shouldn’t post the stuff online, just in case it bothers her. A poem per day in my notebook. I love her and want a future with her. I can’t make her do anything, though; that part is up to her.
For the past several hours, I have been debating about the situation with Styna. The lack of communication with me makes it extremely hard to come to a decision on what to do. For instance, is the move and marriage with her boyfriend a done deal? Is there still a chance that if I worked at it I could be in a relationship with her?
Here’s a biggie: What is she looking for? I can’t tell her I can do something or not if I don’t know what it is. In the past with her, I was stuck in a room, being analyzed to see what I’d do. I was supposed to get a call by this time this week regarding a job opportunity for me, but nothing is ever on time this year. If she is looking for someone who can support her financially, her current boyfriend will probably be making more than I will soon. If she is looking for adventure, England is more exciting than North Dakota. I know her boyfriend and I both love her. But I don’t know what promises or commitments she’s asking for, because she’s not telling them. If I dated her, yes, I would marry her. However, I can’t just jump from seeing her in person for the first time to marrying her in a month; that’s way too fast, and there needs to be planning and discussion. If I knew there was a chance at something with her, I would get to work to show her I love her too, and be more vocal in my daily life about my feelings for her. I do love and want to marry her. But her boyfriend does too. So it ultimately comes down to Styna, her feelings, and what she’s looking for. If her boyfriend can give what I can’t to her, I will back away. If she is wondering if I’ll make an effort, she hasn’t played fair enough with me to see what I would bring. Saying her boyfriend wants to marry her can only raise a question mark on my end about what I should do. I want to know what she wants. If it’s something I can give, I won’t know to give it unless she makes some kind of sign. ...Ugh. All the thinking is tuckering out my brain. It needs assistance. When I look at any of Styna’s stuff now, I don’t feel like I am allowed to participate or be happy. I legitimately feel like an outsider now. I guess this is her lesson to me to be even more careful in the future. But does it have to be such a long and painful one? I love her, and it feels like so much good has been sucked out of my world now that we won’t be together. I gave my heart and wanted to give myself to her, and now things are painful.
I am going to list the apparently confirmed things that will not be happening, due to Styna’s plans for the future:
* Dating me * Marrying me * Living with or near me * Being partners or companions with me Things still possible: * A visit to me * Friendship * One of her three upcoming books being addressed to me, in whole or in part I can’t think of anything else. And considering the way things have been going, the number of possibilities might still get lower. Apparently I’m the type of person who can make a long post of positive points and still feel sore and hurt afterwards.
You can say I feel jealousy, yet there’s more to it too. Jealousy is often viewed as a negative thing, so I have been fighting against it. I’m not going to let it turn to anger here, but I think in this case my jealousy is justified. Despite knowing what I have gone through, and knowing I love her, I have been treated as an outcast and threat. Yes, she has had her own way of looking at this situation, and her boyfriend has a whole worthy story too, but when seeing things from only my POV, on numerous accounts it can be seen why I would be upset. Now that I have admitted this, hopefully I can better deal with it. Jealousy and love do not easily coexist, and the former never leads to happiness. I need some positivity and boost right about now, and apparently I’m the only one to give it. One-sentence points incoming.
I’m not the only person who was willing and wanting to marry Styna. I was sincere and didn’t want to use her. I am accepting of her. I have love for her that lives on despite her not feeling the same. My love is real. I have been willing to give to her. Whenever I erred, I tried to fix things. I have never abandoned her. I have never given up. I have fought to be less possessive. I see her beauty, both inside and out. Whenever I am frustrated, I still never attack or try to harm her; for that matter, I have never even wanted to harm her. If I had been in a relationship with her, I would be the best I could be for her. My love has never become lazy; even when I was not allowed to do things for her, I have always wanted to. It took courage for me to get out of my comfort zone for her. It took courage to push my mom into sending off my letter to Styna, to defend her when my interest was not supported. I have thought of her every day, all day long since the first time I came across her. Even though I have mental health issues, I am still strong. I want what’s best for her. I have been willing to try new things for her. I try understanding her point of view. I care about her health in all areas. I respect her. I have never called her offensive names, despite peer pressure. I not only care about her, I have wanted to care for and provide for her. My love is unconditional. I made time for her back when I had other things to deal with. I made an effort. I took an interest in her interests. I have loved her despite the times she was angry with me and showed it. By accepting my love for Styna, and accepting her love for others, I am a better person for it. I am loyal. I gave my heart despite lack of certainty. I have been able to commit for over a year. I have grown. I have more to give. I am more than others treat me. My name means “Laughter.” I know what I know, and I feel what I feel. I know I love Styna, and I feel that love. If love is power, then because of her my soul is on fire. A person can break my heart, but they can’t destroy that love, and they can’t put me down. Love is the only constant there is. If given the chance, my love could promise her a forever; that would be giving all I can give, and being the best in the thing that is the best to be in. I love someone deserving of love. My love isn’t confused or based on false nature. I know true value. I know sacrifice. Through love, I am full. I am complete. I am the only me there could be, and no one can take my love or my identity. |
AuthorI have mental health problems and have had a lot of traumatic things happen in my life. If anyone cares to read...here you go, and hopefully it will help some people not feel alone. Archives
April 2024
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