I still have these feelings for Styna, and I want to love her so much. Not only am I not to love her, I’m not allowed to be friends with her or even look at her stuff. I feel like I could have married her and lived the rest of my life beside her. She doesn’t want to share a connection with or be close to me. I can’t be with the person I love.
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My body seems to have had a kind of reaction to the latest development.
In the time since then, I felt some mental health pains and for a moment really wanted to die. My body had a fast reaction, starting the very moment I read the message to me on Google Chat. There has been nausea, fatigue, and sudden arm tremors. One episode happened where I threw up a few times while I was standing. I am going to try not looking at Styna’s stuff. (Does this mean I can’t read the books of hers that I own, or even look at their covers?) This bothers me. I love her and wanted to have a close connection with her. It looks like that’s not going to happen, and she wants to be rid of me. She thinks I am an obsessed stranger who doesn’t really love her. I will admit that I do have trouble with becoming obsessive over the things I enjoy and/or love. I go over the same long lists in my head day after day. Styna became a part of my life. I no longer obsess over details pertaining to her, but it was a thing of mine to keep updated on her posts and content. It is easy for me to slip into states of ritual. Beneath my autistic difficulties, I love and care about her very much: I don’t have much going for me in my life right now. My world is so much smaller than it was a little over a year ago. I don’t have friends. The future doesn’t look like it has anything in store for me. I don’t know how to make my life better. But I know that it can always get worse. The person I talk to on Google Chat every once in a while sent me this. the meeting wasn't what any of us thought it would be because none of us expected styna to be a cold hearted bitch that thinks highly of herself
but that's irrelevant b/c the meeting did happen, which is what both parties agreed to she doesn't believe in anything outside of her personal circle which you are and will never be a part of take that as a blessing- my later interactions with that friend of hers who arranged the meeting, I don't care to remember his name revealed him to be an annoying bitch to but that's the thing, parties were involved the most important thing a man has, even when he has lot all his tools, his materials, his wealth is his word if you have integrity and honesty you haven't lost everything by betraying your word, you have destroyed your integrity and by extension, severely hurt mine because I put my name on the line to defend you You have one chance to restore your word, and that's to banish yourself from all things involving Styna. And when I say all things I mean ALL THINGS. all social media platforms, all email addresses, all websites, all products of hers everything end it It’s the first day of a new year, a new decade, and I’m alone. There are no visitors to this site. Styna left me. Since the holidays are over, it’s back to isolation. There’s no hope going forward.
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AuthorI have mental health problems and have had a lot of traumatic things happen in my life. If anyone cares to read...here you go, and hopefully it will help some people not feel alone. Archives
April 2024
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