Intimacy and Romance in NT-AS relations
Some of this stuff...I had no idea. My confidence in ever having a relationship is growing smaller. I don't want to be a burden or hurt others.
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I have ASD (Autism Spectrum Disorder). I just came across an article which is making me feel worse about myself and connection with others:
Intimacy and Romance in NT-AS relations Some of this stuff...I had no idea. My confidence in ever having a relationship is growing smaller. I don't want to be a burden or hurt others.
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Peoples, I figured something out! What I've been wanting to do is share myself with someone, but I don't feel like I click together smoothly with a lot of people, or the other person isn't in the same kind of emotional understanding. With infatuation, you want to dote on the other person and/or you force yourself on them. When the person is taken away, you grasp ahold of the situation and become possessive.
With Ms. Mulaney, I have been wanting to share myself with her, which is because I feel a connection. The other person has to want to be a part of that sharing, though, if it is to take place, or you enter the realm of infatuation. Because I'm not used to feeling a connection, I felt threatened when there was the possibility it might go away or not lead anywhere, so I felt possessive, strengthening the infatuation. What I need to recognize is what I really want and make that pure again. If I can, how this situation has turned out might bother me less. I feel like a lot of things in life are broken, and when I try to make things they'll break. Trying to get through this situation has been hard for me. I don't think she would believe a word I say, and if she did it would be believed that nothing could be done about whatever it is. I keep living, but somehow I rarely feel alright. It's like everything and everybody is set to say goodbye, and there's nothing to embrace. And I can't comprehend what about me others would want to embrace, as I feel insignificant, but it's a frustrating thing for me. I thought I found the person who would fit with me, but I can't be with her, even contact her, despite whatever things I feel about her. I feel like this is going to be what my life amounts to, clockwork and strain and no heart. Things I enjoy don't last. Life doesn't either. For the first 10 years of my life, I thought I would end up having a happier one. It's like my heart can't become passionate without fear, confusion, or fatigue. So over time...I've lost my passion. Life is a fog, and I can't see through it. I never feel like I'm advancing. My head and heart hurt now at times more because of what the past half a year has brought. I don't know how to say these things, and...my world is stuck.
I'm going to make this brief, as it's all I feel like saying right now.
I love her. I miss her. She doesn't love me, but I still want to kiss her. And since she doesn't love me...I hide. I feel a sense of commitment to her, even though it doesn't mean anything and she doesn't want any contact from me. I don't understand all of why I am held away, but she has her reasons, and I'll respect that. When I look at her stuff, I warm up. I warm up when thinking about her, except when I'm down. I hope things turn out good for both of us. I finally am able to put another post here, and I forgot almost all that I was going to type. It doesn't help that family has the TV volume up loud at the moment. This post will be comprised of different bits.
I do Twitter and Instagram posts from my phone, and anything involving this website on a laptop. I am not on the laptop every day, and I only look at Ms. Mulaney's pages if I'm on the laptop. Even if I'm on the laptop, that doesn't mean I'm going to be looking up what's going on in her world; I do that on a whim. It looks like Ms. Mulaney has an EP coming in May. What I have been wondering about the past several days is how it might tie into a message I sent her over a month ago. I said that if or when I got a job I could save money so that she could make an album she was planning on doing years ago in collaboration with and honor/memory of her dad. I don't know details of how she's able to make an EP, but it's the "why" that interests me more. Is she doing this to show an initiation of a new chapter of her life? Is this happening because she likes to do things independently and wants to show that she doesn't need my help in order to get money to make an album? When I said that I could try to help, I wasn't making an offer to her; I wasn't saying "If you let me date you, I'll make your album a reality." I'm happy that she's able to make an EP after all this time, and I look forward to listening to it. What I wanted to do was show support and that I care about and like her, not bribe her. I do have feelings for her, but for reasons I don't know she feels keeping our worlds apart is best. I'm having trouble focusing at the moment, so I'll end this post as is. At times I feel like posting here, but I'm evidently still working through some stuff inside. At times it absolutely boggles my mind that I'm in love, then it boggles me even more how I could end up being in love with someone who doesn't have feelings for me back. Even though love is freeing, this kind of attachment to someone who won't even talk to you is like some mild, drawn-out form of torture. And I'm guessing there's no advice that helps with this sort of situation, is there? I wondered for years if I would ever find love, now I found it, and I can't do anything with it. I go about my daily life, but I think about it every day, and now that I'm in love, there's nothing I can do. It's a powerful thing, but I'm not used to it, and given the situation I can't see the use for it. Why do I keep feeling, and what am I supposed to take away from this?
I was going to have other things to type, but now there's something even newer I see.
The plan was to wait a week or so until I looked at Ms. Mulaney's stuff. I looked in my e-mail, though, and saw there were some notifications from Discord. So I went into Discord to delete things, and I found that Ms. Mulaney's picture had changed (as I have her down as one of my contacts, even though it is not possible for us to contact each other). I decided to look at her stuff early. Ms. Mulaney has been writing a new song. I have no idea whether it has anything to do with me or not, but I have been looking at the lyrics just the same. There are some lines I understand, and others not. It's like what has happened with the poetry she has written so far; the words over time will go over and over in my head, and their meaning might change, or after a while I might understand something I didn't before. These lyrics are not my own (they belong to Styna Lane): "I hope you look for me In every person that you meet And find me in their flaws Though it’s hard sometimes It always turns out fine Despite what we’ve been taught "These hands are scarred By the edges of their own broken record Maybe one day I will learn To take this heart For exactly what it’s worth: The love that it has earned." The last song she wrote which might have had to do with me, she started one part off with "If you're going to leave me-" Even though she has told me to stop contacting her, and I don't look at her stuff everyday, in spirit I still care about and like, maybe even love, her. Though my presence may or may not be known, I have let her go, but in my heart haven't left. My feelings have been caught up in a promise, and though there has been separation between us, I continue to have feelings for her, and they might even be growing stronger. I'm not going to break down the new lyrics, only mention things I'm unsure of. "And find me in their flaws" Does this mean to love other people for/despite their flaws, or to think of her as a flaw? I don't want to do the latter thing. The second group... One of the things that has been a problem in this situation is knowing whether I love Ms. Mulaney or not. There was infatuation involved too, but I have been of the mind that I really do love her and will continue to do so. When magic got involved (newer readers, look for an older post) she was assaulted with a lot of my problems and was a victim to the infatuation piece and my anxiety. I will never know all the ways that I have accidentally hurt her, but I can guess at some. She came to believe that everything with me toward her was infatuation, which put doubt in my mind. The second group of verses, is it confirmation that my feelings are real and not just tricks to my mind? Of course, there's more to the second group of verses than that, but I think I understand what she's saying with the rest of it. I couldn't love her completely and entirely because there was one critical thing I was missing: contact and communication with her. If I had that, my feelings and love would be whole. I was the reason why that never happened, though; I kept messing up in the way of communication. She could feel that my love wasn't complete, and the infatuation piece was probably overwhelming to her, so my love wasn't enough; only through separation could I examine and feel my love for her grow stronger. I think this song is confirmation from her that she won't reach out. Whether she does or not, I will continue to love her. It hurts that nothing will ever come of it, but at least now I know I am capable of love. I have tried contacting a few different people I used to talk to a little, and there has been no response yet; there's still a couple I haven't tried. I know that social isolation is not going to help what I'm going through at all.
Well, I looked at Ms. Mulaney's stuff once tonight; it looks like she's doing okay, which is good. If I look at her stuff in the future, I know I shouldn't make it an everyday thing. Maybe I'll look again in another week? I don't know yet. I continue to like and care about her, but I don't want to hurt her, make her feel uncomfortable, or make her feel like I am getting in the way of controlling her life. It's painful what I'm going through (in different areas of my life), but she has had to go through a lot of pain, too, more than I ever have; she's a lot stronger than I am. So...well, I don't know what conclusion I'm supposed to draw from that. Maybe that it's possible to go through life experiencing lots of pain, still managing to build on and improve your life? I hate to be on this side of the wall from her, but is there something more I am supposed to learn from this that I'm not already dwelling on, or am I truly a threat to her? This isn't stuff I can easily figure out on my own. I'll see if anyone replies back to me. I don't want my life to get darker; not again. Just a question: Is it really possible that I could be more depressed now than I was at Christmastime? Or is that my imagination?
It has now been over a week since I looked at Ms. Mulaney's stuff. I keep wanting to look, to see what's going on, but I tell myself I can't. I think about her every day. I still feel like I belong to her and am connected to her in some way. She doesn't want us to have anything to do with each other, but there are things about this that still keep calling to me. Though I may understand some of what has happened and why I am pushed away, it continues to bother me. If I was to be her friend, I don't think I'd be "her bitch", as she would still be wary of me and there's no guarantee that I would be able to help her with things she might want or need help with. I might even become introverted, as I would feel like I'm on a lower level than her. In day-to-day life, I see that I can live without friends or her in my life. It's a different kind of life lived, though, and it feels fake. I wish I could wipe a lot of the slate clean and try to start anew with her. Maybe the reason why I keep thinking about her is because I have noone to interact with in my world, save for family, and so she comes to mean more to me. And it's like: How do I move on from something I felt so strongly about, to back to where I've been? I don't have ideas to work on my situation, either. It all just stinks, you know? Life doesn't have to be fair, but I don't think it should be lived with all the insecurities I feel either. I look for signs, I keep going day by day, and I wait. Five months have passed since I first came across her. For some reason, I can't move anywhere; I made mistakes, and I continue to pay the price. I want what I can't have. All I can have is the life I have. That's not an update; it has been my reality.
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AuthorI have mental health problems and have had a lot of traumatic things happen in my life. If anyone cares to read...here you go, and hopefully it will help some people not feel alone. Archives
April 2024
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