I don’t know what I’m supposed to learn from this. I feel like that with anyone in the world I come across, there’s no trust. I can’t depend on anyone or anything, and I can’t trust people either.
More people have dropped out of my life without warning, leaving hole, confusion, and hurt.
I don’t know what I’m supposed to learn from this. I feel like that with anyone in the world I come across, there’s no trust. I can’t depend on anyone or anything, and I can’t trust people either.
0 Comments
I’m getting the weirdest feeling that someone who followed me back on social media is thinking of me as a possible suitor and stepfather to their children, despite only seeing a very few available social media pictures and posts from me. I don’t see them as a romantic connection, and I have anxiety about the situation.
I think Styna has started to look for potential partners. She’s lonely and feels it in themselves/herself to start up in a relationship again. She wants to find a soulmate.
Judging by them viewing interactions as possible gateways to a soulmate, that means…they’ve probably kicked me off the list or forgotten about me. I love Styna and have wanted to be with them for over five years now. They must not think our connections and me are enough. Elsie was just in the veterinarian hospital/office again for the past couple days, she came back home this past day (Sunday) with more medications, and now there’s more to worry and get depressed over in the way of Styna. Maybe there will be something new that is good one day. But for now, with Styna/love and a few other situations, it’s not here. I’m afraid that I’m going to lose everything with the person I love. Since last night, my brain has been going again, sensing things, and trying to figure out the logic.
The first thought that came to me was regarding someone who might have moved, and the absence that opened up for another person who was friends with him, and who might be a friend of mine, and is at least friendly and nice to me. I was part of a group that went to a movie a couple days ago, and the latter person wasn’t feeling well. I think something is bothering her, and if it was a departure, then it might have affected their health, and if I was viewed as a possible substitution, then I failed due to having and/or exhibiting a different personality. With that, I’m just a reminder of who is missing. Then today, another thread started in my head. To be honest, all this time I haven’t known how the RSS feed works on this site. I’ve thought that maybe signing up for it on one page only gives you updates for that page. But if it signs you up for everything, then a person could maybe see what is posted in the Mental Struggles Blog, which I’ve had set for years as a private page. This possible friend once made a reference to one of the pages of my site (Data Dump), so it’s possible that she selected the RSS feed and has been able to read these posts without me knowing it. If so, then these posts might have upset them too. By continuing to post in this outlet, I unintentionally hurt them and hurt whatever friendship we might have. So what I do about the Mental Struggles Blog, I have to think on it. The concept of “keeping” was brought up, which leads to the bigger concept of “belonging.”
If nothing belongs to anyone, and noone belongs to anything…if nothing stays…if nothing is part of something more…then how can anyone have comfort, stability, love, or anything if they are not really theirs? I am…feeling lost now. Nothing can be trusted. It’s like everything is a lie. Elsie had a health emergency a couple weeks ago and had to stay at the veterinarian’s office for a couple days. Her body had extremely high levels of white blood cells and her pancreas was literally almost ready to crumble apart. It was scary, and we were scared; we cried a lot.
She responded well to the medicine and did really good with the people there. Elsie has been even more loving since she got home; she has been spending nights on my bed. …My heart is continuously growing for Styna. They may or may not have any hope about relationships and love, but I love them so much. I all the time want to be with Styna and love them. I’m also scared about my feelings, since they have been growing, but Styna doesn’t love me back. I can see myself spending the rest of my life with them, which makes me happy, and then I’m sad. There is so much they draw up in me, and everything about them feels so right, it’s shocking. I want to reassure Styna every day that they are loved, and to make them feel it every second we are together. Of course something like this would happen to oddball me. There was a post, and…I think Styna found someone. It looks like they made plans to get ice cream. So…I’m just…I’m going to spend the night crying.
1. My brother is moving out this next week.
2. For isolating myself, the biggest challenge in my planning is, to fully isolate, I would need to not be living in the same place as my mom. I’m still looking for a remote job online that I am qualified for; one result popped up, but the pay would be $10 per hour, 9-10 hours per day, often 6 days a week, which is much more work for what amounts to less or average cumulative pay than other jobs. 3. Styna now says they wouldn’t be interested in someone who is hetero. I feel like this must be some sort of game. Styna just recently said that they will never get engaged again, and I’m getting the feeling that they are going to avoid relationships.
Over these years, I’ve held this feeling of wanting to be with them and share the rest of my life with them, to love Styna forever. I had been thinking on the isolation piece for myself and how to plan it, and now…does this mean there is no chance for happiness? My heart keeps being twisted, but… I still love them. Despite what Styna thinks of me or what little they think I know about them, I can honestly say that I don’t feel like my life will ever be complete unless we are together. It sounds like the ravings of a person who has let this take up nearly 20% of his years alive, but I have felt it for so long. Styna has always been beautiful and strong to me.
|
AuthorI have mental health problems and have had a lot of traumatic things happen in my life. If anyone cares to read...here you go, and hopefully it will help some people not feel alone. Archives
January 2024
Categories |